It Never Existed

She pulled my tie toward her,
My head spun ‘round,
Our eyes met, I thought this was it,
Our lips touched, she pulled away,
Rejection…

I didn’t know what to do,
My confidence had shattered,
My face turned red, I left the room,
I stood alone, cleaning others mess,
Depression…

Time went by in a blur,
I was confused and humiliated,
She came outside, wondering what was wrong,
I apologised, she said it wasn’t necessary,
Correction…

She said not to feel bad,
I said it was hard not to,
She dragged me to a corner, wrapped her arms ‘round my neck,
I told her not to pity me, she just started kissing me,
Elation?

I wasn’t sure whether to smile or not,
It seemed to be an act of pity,
Rejection one moment, acceptance the next,
It came from nowhere, confidence is still broken,
Realisation…

It never existed…

Something can’t break if it never existed…
Time can’t heal what never existed…
So this humiliation I feel now…
Will never be healed…
Her need to pity me…
Will never be satisfied…

I will always be a sheep…
A person who follows other people…
Who attempts to emulate other people…
But then never ever achieves what other people achieve…
I can’t make something of myself…
I can’t get a person by myself…

I can’t do anything by myself…
Because of the confidence that never existed…