Sit

The cycle continues relentlessly,
Everything knows its being is futile,
Yet it lives and breaths still,
While I sit in denial;
Some days are better than others,
But the height at which I fly,
And the speed at which I fall,
Is enough to make them all cry;
Two days at a time,
My energy knows no bounds,
The two days after
My body and soul make no sounds;
Inconsolable is too harsh,
Approachable is not harsh enough,
Indescribable is the one,
No description, no contact with love;
While they all live on,
Ignoring problems long gone,
I sit alone, turning things over,
Thinking about where it all went wrong…

It’s her that has me this way,
I sit solemnly, looking back
At memories framed forever,
Yet also irretrievably packed;
We wrote for each other once,
I constantly re-read her piece,
Wondering if it was ever true
And how it was we came to cease;
I miss her more day-by-day,
Living in the past as time passes,
My dreams offer no refuge,
They are also in a state of chassis;
Now I sit in solitude and watch
As her life unfolds without me,
I imagine myself in her new memories,
An inclusion which would set me free;
If only she could see me now,
Gazing from afar, yet doing nothing,
She would think me a creep, a stalker
And a coward, for not doing something…

And now I sit by myself,
Engaging in torture night and day
Over things I can’t change,
And things one should never say;
Letting go is the hardest part
Made even harder by not wanting to,
Even I know four months is long enough,
But I still don’t know what to do;
All I can do is one useless thing,
Sit in isolation and brood always,
All my time is either spent this way,
Or is spent pretending, these days;
And all the while I convince myself
That even if she knew the situation,
Care would evade her like the unworthy,
As her future is planned without my desperation;
So I sit digesting the truth late into the morning,
Wishing for time to do what it doesn’t,
To stop, reverse and bring me back
To that moment when I should’ve said “we shouldn’t”;
I sit silently waiting for the instance of clarity
That will snap me out of this obsolete obsession,
I sit with my eyes closed until that relieving moment
When I repossess, or force a confession…