Twinge (I Do Not Want)

I can feel it again, that twinkling twinge,
That familiar feeling when someone breezes through,
Occupying your every thought, minute after minute,
Imagining all those things you could have done together,
Remembering all the things you did together,
And realising they are not the same and never will be.

One day of the week cannot come around fast enough,
The one time where we all go out together to dance,
To revel, to be with each other for a cheaper price than any other day,
Laughing, falling, paying each other’s way with money lost on the ground,
Drinking their alcohol while I drink my water,
Enjoying every moment nonetheless.

It was these nights where she came to my attention first,
Moving, smiling, not a single care, it was infectious,
A freedom I had not known for five months straight,
And that only comes fleetingly now, like a ghost returning,
Just to remind me of simpler times when my heart was bigger,
She lets me remember who I was again.

Yet I have seen her with another, not strictly together,
Not strictly apart, they are casual in their courting,
Allowing a chink of light to shine before me, breaking the omens,
Letting me have a little hope, bringing gratitude impossible to personify,
While also putting me in the way, a place I do not want to be,
While also stranding me in no-man’s land, which is where I have been this whole time.

And this brings a slight slit to this surfacing sentiment,
Torturing myself with the pain of the past, with those five months,
Always reliving the hurt, even when forgetting the person,
Building a brick wall around myself to stop it from ever happening again,
Allowing no emotion to seep out, and no one else to come in,
Permanently preventing a new lodger for a splintered house.

(the very last line and the feelings felt at the time inspired this poem - as well as a belief that being alone is better for everybody else).