Double Consciousness

I stand in my cold box bedroom,
Back to the window that showcases a characterising downpour,
Looking at a scene that once housed so much gaiety
And marvelling at how dark it is now,
While also being amazed at how time flies
And transforms things that once were oh so familiar;
I close my eyes and open them again,
The scene that I now behold is different yet recognisable,
It is a setting from five and a half months previous,
I stand silently and watch as her and I scramble frantically,
Unable to keep each other’s hands from the other’s body,
I stare jealously as we simply sit and gaze into one another’s eyes,
I turn away as I see in her eyes the butterflies she always spoke of,
I need not look with my now distant sight as I recall the joy I once felt inside;
It being summer, the rays glorify an already glorious scene,
It plays off our brown and blue eyes and lights up our tanned faces,
The entire day pans out before me, exactly as it happened so long ago,
And I can only stand helplessly by and be overcome with envy,
As I watch myself grab her and hold her against my wooden wardrobe,
Kissing her passionately like there was no five minutes from now;
I struggle to hold tears in check as I see us lying side-by-side in each other’s arms,
Sleeping, talking, gazing and just holding onto this precious instance,
And I watch as we happily waste the day away
And as we talk of the many more days to come;
Yet, as this perfect moment unfolds before my eyes,
Piecing together a time of impeccable happiness,
The scene flickers between then and now,
And as I watch something irretrievable happen again
I am fully aware of the reality in which I stand;
I know the bedroom is bleak in the January freeze
And not affectionately tender in the August sun,
I know I stand ominously by the window overlooking my bed
And am not lying beside her, listening to her heart’s beat,
And, worst of all, I know she is not smiling here with me,
As she is in this flawless recollection I am having right now;
My mind’s eye is experiencing the double standards of a double consciousness
That forces me to relive the past while still living in the present,
One that offers no way back to the moments that were
And offers no hope in the way of making them moments that are…

(two reasons for Double Consciousness' inclusion: personally, it marks the end of an emotional stranglehold of a futile, long-ended romance and, writing-wise, it's the first of a flurry of poems written in blocks with an emphasis on images).