Two Painfully Contrasting Halves That Make a Painfully Coherent Whole

I dreamt of her last night,
Again,
It was a dream split in two halves,
Each completely contrasting,
Both equally heartbreaking,
The first half
She spent flirting with a friend
Whom she has never met
In front of friends she has never seen,
He and her run off together and disappear,
It hurts so much thinking of what they were doing…

The second half,
We’re sitting on a bus to my house,
She’s on my lap,
I have my hands around her waist,
She turns around to face me,
We kiss,
And we kiss,
Ecstasy washes over me,
I finally have what I thought I couldn’t again,
I never want to wake up,
Then…

I wake up…
And thinking of the two different halves of my dream…
Only brings a feeling of sadness and desperation…
Even though the second half relived something so special…

Thrown Away

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I see it in her stare,
She’s had enough,
I brought pain unfair,
Karma takes away my love,
Closed body language,
Eyes freezing,
Soul detesting
My complete being…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I feel it in my body,
No one else knows,
Happiness on the surface
Isn’t how it always goes,
Heart starts cracking,
Blue blood trickles,
It won’t turn red
Because of life being so fickle…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

The time we have is precious,
Who cares about fate?
I do, and this is why
I am in such a sorry state,
Holding while knowing
Is horrible to endure,
All I want is a joy
Caused by you in my future…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

What Does it Prove?

What does it prove?
My loneliness?
What does it prove?
My desperation?
What does it prove?
How weak I truly am?
What does it prove?
How vain and vile I truly am?
What does it prove?
My emptiness?
What does it prove?
My heartlessness?
What does it prove?
Others perceptions are misplaced?
What does it prove?
Smiles hide more sinister things?
What does it prove?

What does it prove?

Thoughts

All these random thoughts,
Thoughts of things said and done,
Thoughts of things happening now,
And thoughts of things that will never come to pass,
Swirl around my mind,
Confusing fact and fiction,
Distorting reality,
Destroying dreams…

Everything comes to a head,
Emotional battles past and present
Amalgamate to create a giant war,
One in which I’m accosted on all sides
By a helplessness so helpless
That the idea of the war becomes simply futile,
That the idea of all these wrongs being righted
Is like wishing that love will last forever and that death will cease to occur…

The search for a solution can’t even begin
Amidst the internal shouts and screams
Of the confusion and pain that reigns supreme,
All these random thoughts carry me through each day,
Dismissing sleep as a commodity not needed,
The blurriness of my sight
Simply mirrors the anti-clarity
Of everything happening in my own mind…

Thoughts just flash from one to the other,
Bearing no connection at all,
Yet all of them have a role to play in who I am,
Some are happy, some are angry,
Some are sad, some are heartbreaking,
Yet all are a part of the components of my soul,
These thoughts are all here to stay,
Even if their contents have never taken place or are long gone…

Shooting Star

Lying on my back, trying to sleep,
Faced with the stars above,
Unable to sleep, I gaze at them,
Despite the stormy weather
I can see them as clear as day,
Suddenly, I see a shooting star…

Now I have to make a wish…
Two possible wishes come to mind…

I could wish for everything
To go back to how it was before,
I could wish for us
To fall happily back into each others arms again,
I want us to be together again,
I want to feel your kiss again…

But I know this is selfish…
So the alternative wish is…

That I find the strength
To finally move away from the past,
That I find the courage
To finally let you go forever,
I want to be able to move on,
I want to be able to find another…

But I’m afraid of losing something far too important…
Both wishes are as flawed as each other…

Another wish comes to mind,
A new wish that’s better for us both,
I wish for you to find someone
Who can give you the time I couldn’t,
I wish for you to find someone who’ll make your heart sing,
I just wish for you to be happy…

If it ends up being me who does this, all the better…
If not, I’ll just be happy to see your smile as a friend…

This is the wish I made upon that shooting star…

The Train

Heading on a train journey that goes nowhere,
Searching for something more than location,
Looking to find out the most important thing,
Wanting to find out something about themselves…

Always looking in the wrong places,
Constantly looking into others’ eyes,
Hoping for something untold to sink in,
Seeking a divine jolt of realisation…

Millions of miles are clocked up
Before the train reaches its final stop,
Nothing is gained from one journey,
So they go again…

Back and forth on this train they go,
Looking in the least likely places every time,
Before they finally search in the obvious place,
They are trying to find out something about themselves…

So they finally look inside themselves…
And are shocked by what they find…

Souls cluttered with things not let go,
Hearts smashed to pieces by lost love,
Consciences racked with guilt over past sins,
And livers destroyed by grief consumed alcohol…

On the train they remain,
Attempting to reverse the effects of the past,
Hours are spent lying awake,
Wondering how to move on from things so fresh…

Letting go is always the hardest,
Losing someone through love or death,
Either can have a dramatic impact,
They can both destroy a person physically and mentally…

The train moves at such a pace
That things past and present are easily left behind,
But every time the train reaches its final stop,
Everything speeds right back to the present…

Until they get back on the train again…
Giving themselves more time to look inside…

The Blackout

Seconds before, you can feel the anger building inside you,
Layering, rising, pushing you to your limits,
Pushing you towards the brink of oblivion,
Making your face burn blood red,
Making your eyes shake viciously,
Screams reverberate inside your chest as you hold them back…

Then, the blackout…

It lasts moments,
Not even seconds,
It comes and goes in the blink of an eye,
Yet in that brief period of total blackness,
You can hear screams, shouts, and random snippets
Of the carnage your blackout is bringing to those around you…

Then, the reawakening…

Your first few moments are a complete daze,
You have no idea what just happened or where you are,
Then you look at your surroundings,
Slowly you piece everything broken together,
You see what made you angry in the first place,
You see the retribution you have brought to it…

Then, the guilt…
For failing to control the uncontrollable…

Tears of a Dying Ember

Head is filled by my worst fear,
I switch my bedroom light on,
It flickers and dies instantly,
A symbol of something dying in my chest,
A symbol of something dying in my life…

I don’t want it to be over,
I don’t want to walk away,
Yet her cold stare and icy silence
Tell me our flame has frozen over,
It melts and forms a tear…

It rolls down my face…

More and more follow it,
A constant stream runs down my cheeks,
Each one has a tinge of red at its core,
The dying embers of our once blazing fire,
I’m trying to cry the feelings away…

Every time I end up with someone
It ends because of outside complications,
Karma is coming to return the pain I delivered before,
I know it’s deserved and now I brace myself
By crying away something I still hold to be beautiful…

Attempting to numb the pain only doubles it…

Left Alone

When you’re left alone,
Sitting in the dark,
Thoughts and temptations swirling in your mind,
All the faults that are so well hidden
In front of your family and friends,
Become exposed,
Coaxing you into places you didn’t even know existed…

Your head begins to spin,
Everything you know is good and right
Becomes distorted in the blackness of night,
You can’t separate fact from fiction,
You can’t tell right from wrong,
All you know and all you fear,
Become tangled…

Leaving you in the lurch…
With no one to turn to…

You can’t distinguish between birth and death,
You don’t know if this twisted place
Is heaven or hell,
All your weaknesses are laid bare,
Making you feel like you don’t deserve anything you have,
Making you fear that it will be all snatched away,
Leaving you with nothing…

Being left alone to stew
Is a tonic that defeats its purpose,
You just descend and descend,
Paranoia takes over and crushes the last of your hope,
You give up on everything and succumb to your weaknesses and temptations,
You feel that everyone has abandoned you,
So you want to abandon everyone…

The truth is they haven’t abandoned you at all…
You’ve just isolated yourself from people and pain…

Kiss and Tell

Kiss and tell,
If only I could,
Kiss and tell,
If only we could,
Kiss and tell,
If only things were different,
Kiss and tell,
If only barriers weren’t real,
Kiss and tell,
If only it was just you and I,
Kiss and tell,
If only time stood still,
Kiss and tell,
If only the world was with us,
Kiss and tell,
If only everything helped, not hindered,
Kiss and tell,
If only…

If only…

Overruled

He sat alone in his room,
With no idea what to do,
He looked everywhere for a clue,
Wanting only to get to you,
He wished again to hold
What was once untold,
That thought is now bold,
Old feelings are now cold,
He tried to find
Peace of mind,
But time can’t rewind,
It is always blind,
What once was whole
Is now a broken soul,
Black as coal,
An unpayable toll,
His head spins day and night,
His breathing becomes shallow and tight,
He searches always for the revealing light,
He finds always only a lack of fight…

A look inside reveals a truth that doesn’t suffice…
His desire is overruled by cowardice…


(Overruled is the original poetic version of the song Sat Alone)

Sat Alone

Sat alone in his room,
With no idea what to do,
Looking everywhere for a clue…

Outside and in, he’s always looking for you…

Wishing to hold
What was once untold,
That's a thought that is now bold…

Old feelings are now oh so cold…

Trying to find
Peace of mind,
Time can’t rewind…

It remains forever blind…

What once was whole
Is now a broken soul,
Black as coal…

Losing all control…

Head spinning day and night,
Breathing becomes constricted and tight,
Searching always for the revealing light…

Finding only his own lack of fight…

He’s failed at love thrice,
His heart can’t suffice,
He blames it on the roll of life’s dice…

Overlooking his emotional cowardice…

(this is a song I wrote around this time and it's stereotypical in all its connotations - yet, I like how the song sounds; the lyrics were adapted from my poem Overruled).

I Was Born

So today I made a big mistake,
I based it all on chance,
Heads or tails,
A single flip,
And the little hope that flickered inside
Was finally snuffed out,
The smoke that rose after
Was the only indication it existed at all…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

To go or to stay,
The coin flew into the air,
Spinning, spinning,
Falling, falling,
Instead of speeding up,
Its descent slowed right down,
As my impending fate
Fell alongside it…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

It lands flat in my hand,
The coldness runs right through me,
My eyes remain tightly shut,
I fear the fate
The coin has brought me,
In the end I sneak a peak,
Tails stares mockingly back,
Hope dies under its cruel stare…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

I Deserve This

I dreamt of her last night,
We were in a crowded room,
Her hair was newly washed,
Everyone admired its glean,
None more so than I,
Then I took in all of her features,
Her wonderful hazel green eyes,
Her silky smooth cheeks,
Her glorious smile
That could light up even the darkest of days,
In my dream I was happy,
Happy because I knew she was mine,
Happy because she wanted to be mine,
Then I woke up…

And the realisation hit me,
She isn’t mine anymore,
I let those wonderful features
Slip right through my fingers,
I can no longer cusp her face
In the palms of my hands,
I can no longer tell her
How much I admire her and care for her,
Now not even her smile could light up
The dark shroud I’m surrounded by,
Because she inadvertently made it descend,
The only thing that could be done to lift it
Is never going to happen,
And you know what the saddest thing of all is?

I know I deserve this…

Cracking Eyes

Time brings change so quickly,
What is guaranteed today may not be tomorrow,
Human emotion can go either way,
Feelings are born and die all the time,
Some die out of necessity,
Others die because they are murdered by an unavoidable act,
Murdered by something that had to be done
But that was done against all willingness,
When human emotion is murdered
It can be seen in the person’s eyes,
They begin to crack,
A jagged line appears,
Cutting right through the pupil,
Giving the image of a shattered window,
It mirrors the shattered soul inside…

Holding out only achieves so much,
Hoping and hoping will only carry one so far,
There comes a time when walking away is a must,
But how do you know when that time is?
When your eyes start cracking departure is long overdue,
The person should know themselves when to throw it in,
But often reason is blinded by confused love,
They think that if enough desire is shown,
Outside complications will disappear
And the one they pine for will return,
Even though those reasons for leaving can’t just disappear,
They are beyond emotion’s control,
The person is just left wandering along dark alleys towards a dead end,
And it is only upon discovering the dead end at the end of the alley
That they realise there’s only one place left to head for now…

A new beginning…
Some people’s eyes have cracked completely before they realise this…
Then the uninterrupted stream appears on their face…
Constant, never ceasing…
The one thing that could stop the flow never being a possibility…

(this poem epitomises what page fourteen is all about - heartbreak, and because of this all the poems on that page are poor, with Cracking Eyes the best of a bad bunch).