Maastricht

The town is so vibrant,
The sun shines gloriously overhead,
It gives the place its shimmer,
During the day, reflections of the city above
Can be seen clearly on the canal's surface,
It's like a mirror that enforces beauty,
Old monuments and new innovations
Are combined to create something
So startling unique,
It takes one's breath away...

True serenity is hard to come by,
Maastricht is one of the rare places it exists,
Even listening to the noisy early morning traffic
Delivers a stranger inner joy
That is similar to the chirping birds in the trees,
For a city, it is so green,
My preferred colour of choice,
There are trees, plants and flowers everywhere,
This is a place I'd love to live forever,
This place is my mind's Utopia...

Lust and Lies

That girl in the red glasses,
The one with the pretty face
And the subtle voice,
She’s well out of my league,
There’s no bravery on my part,
She’ll be the last thing I write about
In this pocket notebook of mine,
If only the feelings I’m trying to write about
Actually existed,
I wouldn’t feel like I’m lying,
All I feel is lust, as per usual,
Feelings I was capable of bearing before
Don’t exist anymore,
My heart seems like it’s broken,
I’ve no idea how to fix it,
I’ll just have to keep looking
Until someone inspires it to feel again…

I’ll have to keep waiting for that day…
Until it comes…
I’ll continue to live in lust and lies…

It Never Existed

She pulled my tie toward her,
My head spun ‘round,
Our eyes met, I thought this was it,
Our lips touched, she pulled away,
Rejection…

I didn’t know what to do,
My confidence had shattered,
My face turned red, I left the room,
I stood alone, cleaning others mess,
Depression…

Time went by in a blur,
I was confused and humiliated,
She came outside, wondering what was wrong,
I apologised, she said it wasn’t necessary,
Correction…

She said not to feel bad,
I said it was hard not to,
She dragged me to a corner, wrapped her arms ‘round my neck,
I told her not to pity me, she just started kissing me,
Elation?

I wasn’t sure whether to smile or not,
It seemed to be an act of pity,
Rejection one moment, acceptance the next,
It came from nowhere, confidence is still broken,
Realisation…

It never existed…

Something can’t break if it never existed…
Time can’t heal what never existed…
So this humiliation I feel now…
Will never be healed…
Her need to pity me…
Will never be satisfied…

I will always be a sheep…
A person who follows other people…
Who attempts to emulate other people…
But then never ever achieves what other people achieve…
I can’t make something of myself…
I can’t get a person by myself…

I can’t do anything by myself…
Because of the confidence that never existed…

I Stand Still

They’ve both moved on,
The past is the past,
I’m happy for them, I am,
But now I have a sense
That everything is going on without me…

I’m flailing in confusion,
I don’t know what I want,
I’m free to do what I like,
But what I would like to do
Is something that I’m just not sure of…

Life continues to move at a pace too fast for me,
With every passing event it moves quicker,
The world keeps spinning,
Blissfully unaware of my vexation,
One person is always insignificant in the grander scheme of things…

I just wish my heart would beat like it used to,
I just wish it would feel like it used to,
I just wish it would love like it used to,
Then I would know I haven’t changed for the worst,
I would know I could still be me…

As it stands, while old lovers live out their lives…
I stand still, wondering why I am changing…

Go Forth

Everything you think,
Everything you feel,
Everything you make,
Everything you learn
Is unimportant to everyone else,
But remains important to you…

Someone hasn’t the right to force you one way or another,
Someone hasn’t the right to abuse your thought process,
Someone hasn’t the right to destroy your world,
Someone hasn’t the right to take away your beliefs,
As these things are what make you the person you are,
Without them, you would be nothing…

A shadow…

Without them, you would be here nor there,
Without them, you would be aimless,
Without them, you would be invisible,
Without them, you may as well be dead,
A ghost haunting those around you,
Who have the ideas you wouldn’t have…

Read what you want,
Listen to what you wish,
Learn what you can,
Teach those who need teaching,
As life is all about give and take,
You take from and give to everyone around you…

So go forth…

Feeling Again

For the first time in a long while,
A girl has brought a genuine smile,
Something I thought could no longer be achieved,
My heart has moved back to its sleeve,
She comes from the same place as my first from before,
The place she comes from I still adore,
Her own smile has genuine care in it,
The burnt out candle inside me has been relit,
We literally talked from night ‘til morning,
Now, I find my spirits soaring
For the first time in many a moon,
Let’s hope this feeling doesn’t go away too soon…

I like having feeling in my heart again…
Maybe I’ll start to crawl out my internal den…

Ceasing Capturing

Old friendship's fractured,
Lost are moments temporarily captured,
He trusted me with his memories,
Hoping it'll be found is a tease,
It's on the ground, in a million pieces,
His capturing of life now ceases...

A day in the life exists no more,
This is a sad chapter in my book of lore,
Now his head is split with the pain,
It gets worse with confusion and rain,
Thoughts of what's lost hurt my head too,
You trusted me and I failed you...

The next few days, surrounded by violence...
Will be filled with awkward silence...

Are We Going to Stand Up?

A defining moment in human history
Stands before us in the form of Lisbon,
No matter what way it is viewed
It’s an attempt at silencing the outspoken,
At unifying us all under one banner,
Taking away individual traditions,
Giving us new, seemingly more acceptable ones…

They want to control everything we do…

They can’t control what we say,
They can’t control what we think,
They can’t control what we do,
They can’t suppress our freedom,
Yet that is exactly what they’re trying to do,
They want to take away names from places,
They want to away individuality from within our homes…

They want us all to think the same…

It’s a step closer to something we should all fear,
It’s a step closer to a world dictatorship,
It’s a step closer to the terrifying visions of Elliot and Orwell,
It’s a step closer to The Wasteland,
It’s a step closer to Big Brother,
We can do something to stop it,
What are we going to do?

Nothing…

Because as long people believe the Celtic Tiger can bounce back,
They don’t care,
Because as long as people believe the money will still be made,
They don’t care,
Because people believe the economy is falling apart anyway,
They don’t care,
Because as long as the people can still get drunk and have sex at the weekend…

They don’t care…

Even though that’s something a unified constitution will want to prevent,
Even though such a constitution is an act of controlling the people completely,
Even though it’s a first step toward controlling individual actions,
Even though it’s the first step toward controlling thoughts,
Even though it’s the first step toward controlling emotion,
Even though it’s the first step toward depersonalising us all…

We will be a nation with no flag…

Our country will bow to their every whim,
Our country will answer their war call,
Even though we once stood neutral in all wars,
Our country will wear the same colours as nations
Like Poland, Portugal, Germany and Britain,
Our country will fight enemies who are trying to help us,
Who are trying to liberate us from the ultimate form fascism…

This is not what we want…

So are we going to sit back
And let this happen to our country?
Are we going to let ourselves become pawns in a game?
Are we going to allow our country
Lose the traditions we are so proud of?
Or are we going to exercise our right to a voice while we still have it?
Are we going to fight for our right to freedom and individuality?

Are we going to stand up and be counted?

Becoming Darker

Everything isn’t happy anymore,
Everything makes me think,
Wonders about the heartlessness
Of my kind torment me day and night,
Wonders about why I’m becoming
One of them haunt my dreams,
Everything I once stood for
Is vanishing behind some new persona
That is appearing from nowhere,
No matter how hard I try
To prevent this change from taking place,
Day-by-day, I feel another piece of myself
Slip away, to be replace by a darker exponent…

This summer will see the change completed…
The old me will wilt beneath the sun’s rays…
While the new me will blossom…
Getting darker with the increasing light…

All You Can Remember

When you lose someone suddenly
You think back to when you last saw them,
You try to remember the things you said,
You try to remember a hint of their imminent demise,
You wonder if you could have prevented their departure…

Ultimately you never remember,
Everything fades away with shock and time,
You try to desperately hold onto those final words,
So you can analyse them
For clues of what was to come…

All you can remember is
There were no plans made for future meetings,
All you can remember is that the inevitable
Could not be seen in the smile they wore,
All you can remember…

Is the death that was soon to come…
Seemed a million miles away…

A Sudden Movement

Empty,
Not the horrible hollowness
Brought on by death and despair,
This is an emptiness caused by nervousness,
An emptiness caused by suddenness,
An emptiness caused by infatuation…

Confusion,
Not the muddled thoughts caused by lust and loss,
This is confusion caused by the unexpected movement
Of something I thought would never move again,
Confusion caused by feeling something again,
Confusion caused by caring for another person again…

This is the happiest thing to come from my mind…
Since those feelings I had for her nearly six years ago…
Feelings I thought could never form for someone else…

A Gaping Hole

I know why I’m so empty inside now,
I know why I’m so confused,
In a way, I’ve always known,
I have just wanted to ignore it,
Hoping that, if I did thought it wasn’t true,
It would go away and never come back…

My first relationship has robbed me
Of something I once used far too often,
It has robbed me of my heart,
She didn’t meant it,
Nor did I,
But I put so much into us…

That when the time came for us to end…
I had nothing left to share with anyone else…

Now my chest has a gaping hole in it,
My heart is missing and not coming back,
To everyone, I am just a heartless person now,
Just like every other desperate man on the planet,
Looking to use and abuse,
Never to give…

This isn’t how I was…
But my heart is gone…and nothing else can fill the void…

You Were Left Hanging

It should've been me,
Never you,
It should've been me,
You acted the fool,
It should've been me,
How could you?
It should've been me,
Who followed right through...

Why walk away
Using violence?
Why walk away
In forced silence?
Why walk away
In utter ignorance?
Why walk away?
Where was the defiance?

You were left hanging,
By your own fears,
You were left hanging,
Bringing many tears,
You were left hanging,
Without consulting your peers,
You were left hanging,
By uncertainty so severe...

It robbed you of your heart...
It robbed you of your sanity...
Your life was blown apart...
And you were left hanging...

You've Gone Insane

You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane…

You expect us to go
As if we didn’t know,
You expect us to live
As if we had it to give,
You expect us to lie
Up until the day we die…

You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane…

You want us to try
Even though you’ll just cry,
You want us to kiss
Even though we don’t want this,
You want us to share
Something that we cannot bare…

You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane…

If you want, keep on hopin’
But your eyes should really open,
You thought we had love
But it wasn’t close enough,
Now we’ve blown apart,
We can’t go back to the start…

You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane…

You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane,
You’ve gone insane in the membrane…

Want-to-be-Bride

Now he feels the need to hide
From the wench, the want-to-be bride,
Her loving feelings are not shared,
His true feelings need to be bared,
She wants to wear the fabled white dress,
He just wants another woman to caress,
She shows him her feelings in song after song,
Their dead relationship she tries to prolong,
She sits and waits for a diamond ring,
He sits and wonders for a way to ease the sting,
A sudden end is no ones friend,
A sudden end she can’t comprehend,
He thinks and thinks about how to walk,
He sits her down for the final talk…

Still he feels the need to hide…
From the wench, the want-to-be bride…

Walk Away

Demands are met,
Ground rules are set;
It's all the same,
This roundabout game;
Fighting continues,
Hearts worn from abuse;
The tears fall daily -
You don't scream "Save me!";
Time for a decision
But fear fogs your vision...

Relinquish the past
Doomed not to last;
Walk away from this habit
Or live to regret it.

Waiting for Your Eyes to Open

You open your eyes,
Bringing a smile to mine,
Nothing’s as it seems,
This is all a dream,
The body lies still,
I feel a terrible chill,
I know you won’t move again,
But I hope it’s only a matter of when…

This is permanence,
Yet my ignorance
Forces me to hope your eyes open,
My ignorance is in thinking when,
In ignoring the reality,
In ignoring your own brutality,
I’m happier in ignorance,
I’m happier in believing there’s a chance…

Still I wait for your eyes to open…
Still I lie awake at night and keep on hoping…

The Tortured Bassist

So much energy I’ve never seen in a man
Who plays the holding role of the bass,
He has the destructive power to take over the world,
But with that power comes a flipside
In the form of a self-destructiveness that puts the fear of God into me…

His lyrics are filled with emotional cries for help,
With screams of torment and agony,
The power he generates could be mistaken
As an act to play up to the crowd,
But this is no act…

Every lyric is real…
Every movement is rage filled…
Every flicker of his eyes shows his soul's torture…

The Cycle

Death on the doorstep again,
Life breeds death,
Death breeds grief,
Grief brings tears,
Tears bring sadness…

Friends go through what
I went through all those years ago,
The shock, the pain,
The heartbreak, the recovery,
The wait, then…

The process starts again,
A never ending cycle of loss,
And we all live knowing full well
That one day we will add to it,
Another statistic amongst lost millions…

Part of a never ending, grief inducing cycle…

Someone's Soul is Sinister

Someone’s soul is sinister…
Lies spread like disease…

Someone is trying to play me for a fool
By using words to manipulate circumstance,
The past has fragmented the present,
Old anger and tears are still causing damage,
They say they’ve let go,
But still they snidely abuse each other,
On the surface, conveying pure hatred,
Underneath, expressing desire to go back
To times when they were happy,
Eyes don’t lie,
Hers still glow bright on any mention of his name
Before becoming darker in an attempt to revert
To her front of detestation,
His interests are only in moving on and around,
Never flailing, always abusing,
Constantly getting what he wants
Before using someone else…

Someone’s soul is sinister…
Lies spread like disease…

So Be It

Where is life without love?
Will I find someone to hold again?
Or am I destined to jump from person to person,
Thinking everytime they are the one,
When in fact I'm just confusing my own feelings?

Everyone I pass looks so appealing,
But I know no feelings exist there,
Yet that doesn't stop me lusting
After people I know I shouldn't be going after,
Desperation has its stranglehold over me...

Dizzying temptations occupy my brain,
My personality is becoming exactly its opposite,
Now I want to do anything and everything,
My innocence has shed its skin,
Revealing the shadow that has lived inside for so long...

Lust has affected my vision,
I see only the surface, not beneath,
I see only the physical, not the personal,
I see only what I want to see,
Not what I should be looking for...

Who they are doesn't matter,
What they are is all I care about,
This change is not what I wanted,
But we can't help who we become,
If this is what I'm meant to be...

So be it...

Seeing the Body

Up until now,
I never realised the importance of seeing the body,
I remember wanting to see it,
Hoping that it would provide some answers,
Maybe some closure,
While also knowing that not seeing it
Would bring a lifetime’s regret…

When the time came,
I was ushered into a room,
Dimly lit around the edges,
All the light was focused on the centre
Where the coffin stood wide open,
Exposing his death to us all,
The room was warm, but I was cold…

In the coffin he lay,
A troubled man who had found his peace,
The marks could not be seen,
No one wanted to see them,
Everyone in the room was crying,
I looked down at him,
Wondering when my tears would come…

They never did,
And I felt heartless,
I still do,
Where was the grief that engulfed the rest?
Even at the funeral and the graveyard
No physical remorse came from me,
I heard people speak their wonders aloud…

I have often been praised
For my handling of it all,
But, in my own mind, it wasn’t handled,
There was no grief,
There was no remorse,
Just the complete shock of the loss,
And the acceptance of the irreversible…

Now I realise why my acceptance was so easy,
Now I know the importance of seeing the body,
I was forced into accepting reality,
As it lay there in front me
With its eyes closed,
Never to move again,
Because of an act of depressed brutality…

(as horrible as the experience was, and how uncomfortable it may or may not be to read it, Seeing the Body is, personally, an important poem because of the epiphany that inspired it).

Should I?

A face as happy as the sun,
Could you be the one?
Eyes as bright as the stars,
Could eternal love be ours?
Movements as graceful as a dolphin’s,
Is this where my new life begins?
Darkness once impenetrable is clearing,
Is something wonderful nearing?
A joy grows that hasn’t in a long time,
Are you the one who makes my soul shine?
My writing becomes like it was before,
Can you make me write like this some more?
Making you mine is all that’s left to do,
Tell me, should I make my move on you?

One of Them

I’m a human being,
Subject to the same temptations
Of all human beings,
Subject to the same weaknesses,
The same heartlessness
That engulfs all men…

I’m a fool who’s lulled
By a false sense of security,
A false sense of one being immune
To the weaknesses of men,
Only to find out I’m not at all,
I’m just as shallow as the rest…

Horrid desires and images
Flash through my mind like lightening,
Each more vulgar than the last,
Yet equally as tempting,
What am I becoming?
I’ve been lost amongst the same neediness…

That engulfs all weak men…
I’m one of them now…

Men and Women

A man never realises he loves her,
He’s forever blinded by sexual desire,
A man never penetrates the heart of stone,
He’s forever hidden behind masculine bones,
A man never opens up to his partner,
He forever sees her only as a lover,
A man never knows how to respond to eyes,
He forever responds by telling lies…

A woman knows when she loves him,
She forever knows, even when things look dim,
A woman will always try to express herself,
She forever tries to find inner self,
A woman always opens up to her partner,
She forever tries to hold it all together,
A woman recognises deceit in a man’s eyes,
She forever knows when he’s telling her lies…

A man forever lies and lies…
Even though a woman can always see it in his eyes…

(Bebo page eleven's only representation comes in the form of Men and Women - I know, I'm a laugh riot - because it highlights my own inability to see men as anything other than deceitful fools, even though I am a man, and have seen and experienced examples of it being otherwise).

Mission

I can’t keep up with what I’ve got,
Life is filled with too much waste,
There’s not enough to go on for,
My soul is no longer chaste,
Lies fly all around me,
They come most from my own lips,
When friends lie straight to my face,
I want to crush them with my fingertips,
Years go by in the click of my fingers,
Everything is moving too fast,
Things get older, people change,
I don’t know how much longer I can last…

Maturity is beyond my childish grasp,
I can’t keep up with everyone else,
It should all come together now,
Instead, in the distance a bell knells,
Shards of ruined relationships cut my feet,
The pain rises and strikes my heart,
Everywhere I step, more shards appear,
Piece by piece, my life’s falling apart,
The end is near, there’s no turning back,
Past mistakes will follow me to the light,
I will go while they think highly of me,
I will exit at my greatest height…

Moving beyond will be an easy transition…
But first comes the difficulty of the mission…