Jazz Club

At the bar,
The jazz belting,
Staring at another empty glass,
Barmaid asks me,
The doubt ringing,
Staring into my bloodshot eyes,
One more please,
The request hanging,
Unwillingly, she pulls the pint,
Head in hands,
The thoughts compounding,
Drinking away my sorrows,
Barmaid’s cold hands,
The nerves showing,
Shaking voice asks me to stop,
Look of indignation,
The anger bubbling,
Screaming is just held in check,
A polite response,
The insincerity wreaking,
Cracking voice gives me away,
A decisive action,
The drink spilling,
Pouring it away in front of me,
Mind’s breaking point,
The frustration boiling,
Exploding on this innocent person,
Barmaid breaks down,
The tears falling,
Running out of the lounge,
A shocked silence,
The disgust spreading,
Infecting the bystanders watching,
Hands grab me,
The sensation of flying,
Throwing me out the door…

The silence still ringing…
As my night is no more…

I Took Him to the Grave

I took him to the grave,
Just to see the smile falter,
Just to see the unassuming shyness fade away,
Just to see the tears fall,
Not out of cruelty,
Not out of sadism,
Not out of mockery…

But out of a need to make him see…
That he’s not alone in missing the big man…

I took him to the grave,
To make a pivotal point,
To make him understand,
To make him realise,
That he’s got people to turn to,
That he’s not isolated in all this,
That he’s not alone…

That letting it all become pent up inside…
Is doing more harm than the good he thinks he’s doing…

I took him to the grave,
In an effort to help him move on,
In an effort to prevent more damage being done,
In an effort to forget the unchangeable,
As standing still is futile in the end,
As standing still will only kill us too,
As standing still is drowning in past sorrows…

As standing still, wallowing in pain unbearable…
Only allows another life to go to waste…

And where’s the point in that?
I took him to the grave to make him understand that…

I've Come

I've come to repent,
Yet this religion is too commercial,
I've come to repent,
Yet what we're told is selective,
I've come to repent,
Yet we're only told what we want to hear,
I've come to repent,
Yet this won't save me...

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent,
Yet the confession given is false,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet I’ll leave just as sinful,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet this institution is a propaganda machine,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet repenting here is futile…

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent,
Yet it is you who should be repenting,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet all who repent do so in fear,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet those who repent will end up in hell,
I’ve come to repent,
In search of an answer to all the lies…

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent…
So let me repent and be saved…
By the false prophecies’ of the false prophets…
We’ll see how true they are come the tribulation…

Let’s see if commercial religion spares me…

It Matters

They all don’t know what I am,
They all believe in the person they see,
They all think the front is everything,
They all miss what lies beneath,
My mind tells me this is good,
My mind tells me to continue the show,
My mind tells me keep on pretending,
My mind tells me they need not know…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

They all love the person they think I am,
They all want me to believe in myself,
They all voice their wonders aloud,
They all want me to dig inside myself,
My mind tells me this is wonderful,
My mind tells me to play along,
My mind tells me they allow themselves to be fooled,
My mind tells me to do what I know is wrong…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

Yet I have the power to turn it all around…
Yet I don’t have the power to cease my sins…
Yet I see in my sights the future I could have…
Yet I see it vanish as the end begins…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

Jar

The signs are there now for all to see,
You say it’s time for a change,
An escape from your confined reality
And a chance to extend your range…

The weather outside matches me inside,
The greyness of the sky is like my mood,
While the raging of the rain
Is like the anger that makes me brood,
Sleep is now an impossible dream,
Much like the idea of retrieving you again,
I can’t close my eyes while knowing
Our love has disappeared down the drain,
The pictures of you smiling haunt me always,
Shimmering in your winged dress,
All I want is your face in my hands
So it I can kiss and caress,
As it is my days and nights are spent alone,
Wondering why things are the way they are,
Months ago it was ended now
Yet I still feel you in my internal jar,
All bottled up and kept from the world,
Mine to keep forever and ever,
Yet you squirmed away through the seal
And now I see our ties begin to sever,
I thought you and I were permanently entwined,
Destined to live and die, side-by-side,
Now I know that this was foolish to believe
As when the time came away you shied...

The signs are there now for all to see,
You say it’s time for a change,
An escape from your confined reality
And a chance to extend your range…

Let's Wage Peace

When there’s nothing left to fight for,
When all is calm,
Peace is waged
By those who claim to preach the Psalms…

When an excuse is needed,
When the finger is itching for the trigger,
Peace is waged,
Lead by that unmistakable figure…

When the economy crashes to the ground,
When a united front is needed the most,
Peace is waged
By democracy’s supposed host…

When angry words are exchanged
Between countries millions of miles away,
Peace is waged
By the self proclaimed ‘God’s’ people, who fight everyday…

When the earth rebels,
When it lashes, quakes and shakes,
Peace is waged
By those trying to hide their own mistakes…

When fingers are pointed,
When blame is laid at their door,
Peace is waged
By those bloodthirsty for war…

When all is silent on the battle field of life…
“Let’s wage peace!” is the shout raised by the mongerers of strife…

Sleep Walker

I stand in my room,
A different door creaks,
Turning, I see my brother,
Head bowed, blanket in hand,
Standing on the landing,
Ready to descend the stairs…

I stop him,
His eyes are wide, glassy,
With black rings around them,
Where are you going?
An inaudible mumble,
I question him again…

And his tone suddenly changes…

I’m going to bed,
He gets angry as I move him back to his room,
His anger remits in his voice,
I have never heard him speak like that before,
It’s at a whole new level, not louder,
Just firmer, deeper, and more sinister…

It unnerves me,
Not what he said,
Just the way he said it,
That look in his eyes wasn’t his own,
That voice in his throat wasn’t his own,
Leaving one question…

Whose was it?

I Just Know

I just know,
And it’s following me,
I just know,
And it’s infecting me,
I just know,
And it’s plaguing me,
I just know,
And it’s haunting me,
I just know,
And it’s laughing at me,
I just know,
And it’s mocking me,
I just know,
And it’s hurting me,
I just know,
And it’s breaking me,
I just know,
And it’s devouring me,
I just know,
And it’s crushing me,
I just know,
And it’s numbing me,
I just know,
And it’s tearing away at me,
I just know,
And it’s destroying me,
I just know,
And it’s slowing me,
I just know,
And it’s taking over me,
I just know,
And it’s killing me…

I just know…
I just know that it’s over…

I'm

(under constant review)

I’m your soul,
I’m your mind,
I’m your heart,
I’m the voice inside,
I’m your conscience,
I’m the flicker of doubt,
I’m the spanner in the works,
I’m the saddest thing you’ve ever seen,
I’m the difference,
I’m what you fear most,
I’m the contradiction in your life,
I’m the cause of your hypocrisy,
I’m what makes you sweat,
I’m what makes you shiver,
I’m the cause of your confusion,
I’m the one who can bring clarity,
I’m the be all and end all,
I’m the reason for your existence,
I’m the reason for your wish to exit,
I’m every breath you take,
I’m every emotion you feel,
I'm the reason you haven't fallen to pieces,
I'm your sanity,
I’m the intensity inside,
I’m the reason you lose that intensity,
I’m what makes you tick,
I’m what makes you stop ticking,
I’m in control…

I’m your life…
I’m your death…

Sometimes and Other Times

(under constant review)

Sometimes, living in the past is what’s best for your mind,
Other times, living in the past destroys the present and the future,
Sometimes, losing your heart’s greatest love inspires you to even greater things,
Other times, losing your heart’s greatest love initiates an irreversible depression,
Sometimes, a torrent of abuse provokes the desired reaction,
Other times, a torrent of abuse merely exasperates everything,
Sometimes, telling the truth cancels out the wrong caused by that truth,
Other times, telling the truth is the final nail in the coffin constructed by that truth,
Sometimes, saying I love you is the hardest thing you could ever have to say,
Other times, saying I love you is so natural and easy that it has to be fake,
Sometimes, showing someone you love them means showing a million others aswell,
Other times, showing someone you love them means telling someone else you hate them,
Sometimes, the brave step up and show everyone why they are labelled ‘the brave’,
Other times, the brave step up and wilt so embarrassingly others wonder how they earned the title of bravery in the first place,
Sometimes, faith can be rewarded in the most unlikely of ways,
Other times, faith can be torn apart in the most unlikely of ways,
Sometimes, your conscience can cause the noblest of actions,
Other times, your conscience simply ceases to exist at all,
Sometimes, a nod and a smile are the best ways to deal with a frown and a grunt,
Other times, a witty remark and a sly wink are the best ways to deal with a frown and a grunt,
Sometimes, the best of us are the ones’ who make martyrs of us all,
Other times, the best of us hold back when most would charge blindly,
Sometimes, the blind see further than the seeing,
Other times, the deaf hear more than the hearing,
Sometimes, people hold back when they should say what needs to be said,
Other times, people say what they should say outright, and destroy everything around them in the process,
Sometimes, the best form of communicating lies in saying nothing,
Other times, one carefully chosen word says everything,
Sometimes, when you make a mistake it's the best for everyone,
Other times, when you make a mistake it's worse for everyone else,
Sometimes, tears fall out of complete joy,
Other times, tears fall because everything else is falling too,
Sometimes, getting up in the morning is the most difficult thing you'll do all day,
Other times, days pass by in a blur until the moment of destiny you've been dreading comes,
Sometimes, turning to a friend is worse than turning to an enemy,
Other times, turning to an enemy brings about circumstances unforeseen,
Sometimes, what you seek the most is closer than you could ever hope to imagine,
Other times, what you seek the most has something to seek all of its own,
Sometimes, the words ‘if’, ‘maybe’ and ‘unsure’ are exactly what’s needed,
Other times, a single doubt causes multiple mayhems…

Sometimes, the world around you begins falling apart…
Other times, this is simply the world coming together…

I 'Get On' to Get On

Gazing from my corner,
Back to the wall,
Listening to the conversations
Of them all,
Over a year’s worth,
Now all gone,
Where’s the contentedness
I knew for so long?
There is no common ground,
It’s uneven and lopsided,
There is no one to whom
I have truly confided,
I sit in the corner,
Eyes in my head,
Trying to remember all
The genuine things said…

I ‘get on’ to get on,
I feign to be a part,
Now it’s all fallen down
And brought me back before the start…

My smile stands alone,
The eyes can’t react,
Yet here I sit still
Due to my stubborn pact,
Cliques are born and bred,
Invitations are extended,
Yet they are all withdrawn
By acts unprecedented,
All the empty gestures,
Concerns and awkward questions,
Compound in my mind
Without any explanations,
The effort is becoming futile,
The truth is coming to light,
Now it’s time to walk away
And stop fighting a losing fight…

I ‘get on’ to get on,
I feign to be a part,
Now it’s all fallen down
And brought me back before the start…

Looking Eyes

She looks at me,
With those looking eyes,
Up and down,
Searching for lies…

I look at her,
Complete innocence,
Void of strife,
Now it makes sense…

Deceit builds up,
Breaking us apart,
We won’t work,
Forced to depart…

Hearts are broken,
Walking away hurts,
Our own fault,
For spouting dirt…

Always so shy,
When being so bland,
A dry mouth,
Swallowing sand…

Loved you always,
Why were you so blind?
Full of hate,
Why so unkind?

Lonely walk time,
Crying my eyes out,
Piecing thoughts,
Shattering doubt…

My mind wonders,
Did I really try?
Then it asks,
Did I just lie?

Which did I do?
What happened to me?
Went astray,
No longer free…

She looked at me,
With those looking eyes,
Up and down,
Finding the lies…

Don't Cry

Please don’t start,
I’ll just follow,
This shouldn’t be sad,
Yet is hard to swallow,
This is a brand new chapter
In a book half filled,
So wipe those tears away
And ignore those already spilled…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new await,
Please don’t cry,
You’re in the hands of fate…

Your breath I see rising
Up into the bitter morning air,
Even now I see tears forming,
A sight I just can’t bear,
Envy builds inside,
I want to escape this place,
But my time has yet to come,
So I save face…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new are calling,
Please don’t cry
And add to the tears already falling…

I imagine what it’s like,
The rollercoaster of emotions,
The difficulty of saying goodbye
And the losing of devotions,
Letting go is always harder
Than grabbing hold,
But this is something too unique
To be forsaken in the November cold…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new are within reach,
Please don’t cry,
Just make your goodbye speech…

When your feet leave the ground
Your tears will fall the hardest,
When they land on new terrain
The smile in place will be the widest,
So let go of the life you’re leaving now,
Look forward at what is to be,
Step blindly into the unexpected
And keep your mind open completely…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new beckon now,
Please don’t cry,
Just take your final bow…

And live the life you’ve always wanted to live…


(my aunty Catherine moved to Australia in November 2008; this is what I wrote after seeing her off)