Insignificance

Have you ever felt so small
That the fear of being stepped on
Was one that was genuine?

Have you ever felt so insignificant
That every word that left your lips
Just faded away into a whisper?

Have you ever felt so out of touch
That the sight of your friends’ backs
Didn’t come as a surprise?

Have you ever felt so ignored
That you knew screaming every obscenity under the sun
Would make absolutely no difference?

Have you ever felt so isolated
That you felt like you were going to
Suffocate from loneliness?

Have you ever felt so cold
That even standing next to people in a horribly hot room
Did nothing to heat you up?

Have you ever felt so defeated
That you thought running away from everything
Was the easiest and best way to move on?

Have you ever felt so alone
That the reassuring words of those around you
Meant absolutely nothing?

Have you ever felt so inferior
That the looks of those superior
Seemed almost to be mocking?

Have you ever felt so cut off from proceedings
That you felt any word you attempt to contribute
Would fall on deaf ears?

Have you ever felt so betrayed
That it felt like a thousand knives
Had been plunged into your back a thousand times?

Have you ever felt so empty
That you instantly knew you didn’t matter to anyone
And that life would be a better place without you?

I have…
Such insignificance is a horrible feeling…

How Can We Do This?

Wishing for one thing,
Wanting another,
Conflicting aspirations collide and shatter
Any hope left inside this beaten soul,
A kiss in the rain left behind more pain than joy,
It brought more confusion than before,
A hole is being dug,
Deeper, deeper, deeper we go,
Hoping the end will bear the future we want,
While also knowing that this is impossible,
Her hazel green eyes are a respite from the unknown,
Holding her in my arms brings a feeling of safety,
Yet I know the arrangement is temporary,
Because restrictions of our working class make it so,
Now we need to make a choice,
Do we take a chance and end in enforced departure?
Or do we play it safe and not try at all,
Leaving us with that feeling of eternal regret?

How do we make such a choice?

Hiding

Thinking about a lot of things,
Thoughts rushing around my head,
Wondering where the answer’s will come from,
Will they come when I’m dead?

Heart beats ferociously,
Filled with both love and hate,
Love is what I want to triumph,
Right now, it’s nothing more than bait…

I need reassurance to stand up,
I need to know to be brave,
If I know she feels the same,
Maybe my heart I can save…

It is being overcome by everything,
My soul is succumbing to shadow,
What I want is slipping away,
Searching deeper is a no-go…

Time is running out,
The chance for answers has long disappeared,
Now the questions begin to fade too,
Something I have long feared…

While they start to fade,
An escape route begins to open,
Circular and constricting,
Its use is contemplated by all men…

The time has come to fly,
Running is easier than fighting,
Working to save my heart is hopeless,
Already, I feel it tightening…

Time to enter permanent hiding…

What Have We Become?

What have we become?
Revolutionaries without a cause,
A voice box with no voice,
Willingly accepting every enforced pause,
An army with no allegiance,
A nation with no leader,
A country with no direction,
Welcoming all who are poor,
Parasites on those around us,
Advocating things not crucial,
Claiming reverence for traditions dead and gone,
When the truth is we’re all just superficial,
A land with no king,
Filled with people who are fake,
We constantly take one step forward and two back,
We attempt progress for progress’s sake,
We hide behind Catholic doctrine,
Claiming it brings us salvation,
Everyone refuses to admit
That this is an act of desperation,
Our laws contradict one another,
Yet we obey them as if they’re gospel,
This is an act of ignoring the truth,
That our country is just a giant hostel,
We once fought with good reason,
Now we fight blindfolded,
Keeping the peace in places with no connection,
Ignoring everything previously unfolded,
This enforced blindness will ruin us all,
It will take away what we won before,
We will become small pawns in a giant game,
Before being obliterated by a thoughtless war…

We can stop ourselves from being blown apart…
We can make sure we don’t disintegrate into nothing…
But first we must realise where the true fight lies…
And stop firing blindly at the help that’s coming…

(this is one of my first attempts at writing a poem about a current issue - and I think it remains one of only a few such attempts, which isn't a surprise when looking at this attempt at covering the Lisbon Treaty).

Finding the Right Steps

I listen to it because I relate to it,
I relate to it because I wrote it,
I wrote it because I felt it,
I felt it and still feel it everyday,
Time has moved on,
My heart has not,
It still pines for the affections
Of those out of reach…

I constantly find myself wrapped
Around the fingers of someone I feel for,
Yet they don’t wrap me around their fingers,
I wrap myself around them
In an attempt to become part of them,
In an attempt to see into their mind
So I can find out if anything could ever become of us,
In an attempt to avoid potentially fatal landmines…

Stepping in the wrong place could end us…
Writing to get inside is the only way of finding the right steps…

Anything and Everything

A chance to be happy,
A chance to bring happiness,
The searching is over,
The search was worth the effort,
She is above all who came before,
She is above my level,
Yet still she wants me,
Yet still she thinks I’m good enough,
When we kiss, everything stops,
When we kiss, our stomachs flip,
Holding each other feels like safety,
Holding each other is all we want to do,
Time moves too slow when not with you,
Time moves too fast when I’m graced by you,
Every moment spent isn’t wasted,
Every moment spent flouts authority,
We don’t care about consequences now,
We just care that we’ve found each other…

And that we can share anything and everything…

Find it in Your Heart

I know you really don’t like me,
Could you find it in your heart to just kiss me?
I don’t know what I would do,
In a world that didn’t have you…

I don’t expect replies to stupid remarks,
If they come, they should be vicious like bites from sharks,
I know you don’t like my company,
But can’t you look after someone who’s feeling lonely?

I know you only speak to me out of pity,
I know I’m ignoring reality,
But can you please search inside,
And find a future where we unite?

The story of my life so far,
I can’t have anyone above my own bar,
And now my soul tries to hide,
Because you don’t like my outside…

I remember those magical eyes,
And the first time they bored into mine,
You went and turned me away,
I remember my feeling of dismay…

I went home and I cried,
I’m not ashamed, why would I lie?
And once again, I was all alone,
Even though we spoke on the mobile phone…

Now between us all is quiet,
In my mind there’s a constant riot,
I know we won’t ever be together,
Yet you’ll always live with me forever…

I know you really don’t like me,
Could you find it in your heart to just kiss me?
I don’t know what I would do,
In a world that didn’t have you…

Fear of Loss

It’s all the same,
It’s happening again,
The fear of loss
Is greater than the need to gain,
Past loss brings fear
Of future pain,
I fear losing something
That was willingly tamed,
Once again it feels
As if my heart has been maimed,
Fact is, nothing’s been said
That should make me feel this way…

I am so hopeless…
I should be happy…
Past loss just makes me feel…
Like I’m losing all over again…

Dying Man

I see a dying man,
He lies on his hospital bed,
Unable to move,
Unable to speak,
Only his eyes show signs of life,
Yet they also show how much he longs for death…

He is so thin now,
He looks like a skeleton in a blue gown,
His hair is thinning, verging on vanishing,
It's as white as the whitest snow,
His head looks like a skull,
The darkness around his eyes, its sockets…

His breathing is shallow and weak,
The rise and fall of his chest
Slows and takes longer to occur with each intake,
His teeth have all fallen out,
Underneath his gown, his rib cage rests
With hardly any meat to cover its bones…

I can’t believe such a man still lives,
I feel nothing but sympathy for him,
I wish for someone to take mercy on him
And for a peaceful death to take him away from his agony,
Away from his current life
Of silently enduring all this emotional and physical pain…

I wave to the man, and he waves back...
In perfect harmony with my movement...
It is only now I notice the mirror...

Delicate Balance

Splitting emotions,
Should I, shouldn’t I?
It’s the same thing again,
Wanting to have her,
Afraid to lose her,
It’s such a delicate balance,
That one wrong word
Could tip those precarious scales
And ruin the bond we have formed…

If only I could see the outcomes
Of my two choices,
Then I’d know exactly what to do,
Life doesn’t work like that though,
So an old friend’s advice comes to mind,
Just take a chance,
I need to weigh up the consequences,
Should I be conservative and wait ‘til it goes away?
Or should I charge head first into it…

And hope what I want comes out of it?

Bleeding Horse

The horse lay bleeding in Camden,
Its rider was a target of a hate campaign,
The people in the pub watched in horror
As it writhed in unbearable pain,
The rider was killed instantly,
Too bad the horse didn’t follow,
Instead, it lies on the ground,
Its own blood it was forced to swallow,
The killer walked over to the horse,
He stared into its eyes,
Even then the horse remained defiant,
But the truth it never realised,
The rider and the killer were friends once,
Each others’ best men,
Somewhere in the sinews of time, they lost each other,
No one knows exactly when,
The rider betrayed the killer,
Did the dirt with his wife,
This would be the nail in the coffin
Of the rider’s life,
The killer looked into the horses eyes again,
It was like the rider lived still,
He picked up his gun and fired again,
Against the people in the pubs will,
The dead horse lay bleeding on the ground,
Its rider beside it, also dead,
The killer’s sole tear mixed with their blood,
The people in the pub didn’t know why it had been shed…

The didn’t even have sympathy for the rider…
They knew he was a victim of his own mistake…
They felt sorry for the innocent horse…
Even though the horse bared its soul for the rider to take…
They had become two parts of a whole…
Two pieces to a single entity…
One couldn’t live without the other…
So a duel death was always the harsh reality…

Youth of Today

Unable to move,
People, people
Squashed together,
All monotonous,
Drone-like,
Shirts and ties,
Skirts and heals,
Scantily clad,
Mullets and studs,
Fake tan and make-up,
No morals,
No standards,
No limits,
No cares,
Their heads are in their pants,
Pushing and shoving,
No consideration,
One bad bump
Leads to a look of filth
That should be directed
At a mirror,
Bloody fights,
Projectile vomiting,
Drunken and disorderly,
Stumbling and falling,
This is my generation,
This is the youth of today…

One that will exist…
For many years to come…

You Don't Have Anyone but Yourself

You don’t have anyone but yourself…

At the end of it all,
No matter who your life’s partner is,
No matter who your friends are,
No what you’ve achieved…

You don’t have anyone but yourself…

When it comes down to the crucial moment,
Even if you’re in a team or group,
Even if everyone is offering help,
Even if support can be found everywhere you turn…

You don’t have anyone but yourself…

In the end, we are all equal,
Regardless of religion, race or gender,
Regardless of being rich or poor,
Regardless of being famous or unknown…

You don’t have anyone but yourself…

The mental battles are always fought alone,
There are no exceptions,
It all comes down to your own will,
There’s no one else…

And when everything needs to be said and done…
You don’t have anyone but yourself…

Where Will it End?

I was in a very funny mood yesterday,
Not quite happy,
Not quite sad,
Just floating along somewhere in the middle,
Waiting for a sign to explain this hollowness,
Walking in search of something to fill this void…

Up by Gateway,
Walking faster and slower depending on the song’s speed,
Walking with purpose when it was fast,
Walking defeated when it was slow,
Trying not to think the question
That can get to everyone at the bottom…

Where will it end?
I can hear it in my mind,
I can feel it in my chest,
I can see it when my eyes close,
I can sense it no matter where I go,
Where will it end?

On and on I continue to walk,
Still looking to fill the empty spaces
That exist inside my heart,
I’m walking with no idea
As to what I’ll find,
On and on I continue to walk…

Wondering where it will end…

A Rant

There is plenty more to come,
I already feel completely numb,
Tolerance of life’s shit
Is breaking bit-by-bit,
I don’t care about important things,
All I want are fancies and flings,
The one thing I care about
Will never be mine, without a doubt,
She is genuine, where I am false,
I stumble, where she can waltz,
Her heart is pure, where mine is poisoned,
I am dry, where she is moistened,
I’m going in relentless circles,
Bypassing imaginary miracles,
Dreaming of having what I can’t,
Living on a downward slant,
Looking for the stepping stones
That are supposed to prove I’m not alone,
All while knowing in my mind,
That none of these things I’ll ever find…

He’s a liar, all hopers are liars…
I want them ended in purging fires…
My own escape will not be swift…
It will happen following a sleepy drift…

Ridiculously Dramatic

She’s thinks she’s tragically romantic…
Truth is, she’s just ridiculously dramatic…

Suffering, to her, is a contest,
One in which she must come out best,
Everyone else’s problems are instantly dismissed
Once she begins to complain or gossip,
Yes, she has problems, don’t we all,
To her though, everyone else has someone to answer their call,
She seems convinced the world revolves around her,
For such conceit, there is no cure…

She has a knack for winding people up,
It always ends with everyone telling her to keep it shut,
One over reaction she had on her birthday
Ended up forcing all her friends away,
Now she only has her boyfriend and her mam,
Because everyone else doesn’t give a damn,
She needs to realise everyone has problems
And that she can’t be ignorant when others are in the doldrums…

She’s thinks she’s tragically romantic…
Truth is, she’s just ridiculously dramatic…

They Will Come

I look for a place where I can be me,
Searching for somewhere I can fit in,
Looking for a place where I can be free,
Trying to make my life begin,
I hope for a place I can call home,
Somewhere I won’t be an outsider,
I seek a place where I won’t be alone,
A place that includes the beauty of her…

I know it’s here…
I know it’s somewhere…
I feel it near…
I know she’ll be there…

I don’t care where it is,
A beach, a forest, a slum,
I just want to find it,
And find my freedom,
Maybe it exists only in my dreams,
Either way, it’s paradise,
Nothing is ever as it seems,
If she’s there, I won’t have to think twice…

I know it’s real…
I’m one of its kind…
On its surface, I will kneel…
On its surface, true love I’ll find…

I can see it in my mind’s eye,
The hallowed grounds of inner self,
There for hours I will lie,
As many as ten, eleven or twelve,
Still I search for its gates,
Hoping to find eternal peace,
It will all come down to fate,
No matter what, my efforts won’t cease…

I’ll find it someday,
Along with true love,
I’ll scope every shore and bay,
Hoping my efforts will be enough…

Hoping they will lead me to love and freedom…
They will come one day, they will come…

Unlocked

She has unlocked the door
To my heart’s core,
She has my invaded my mind
Once so hard to get inside,
She has brought feeling back
To where hatred once attacked,
She has broken through my mental barrier,
Over any distance, I want to carry her…

Things confused are now clear,
She has washed away the doubts and fears,
A dream I had was of her,
The things that occurred in it I want for sure,
The whole thing makes me realise
That strong feelings come and go with the times,
I know now how fickle love is,
That being said, I just want her kiss…

Wait for the Change

There she is,
Standing in front of me,
So close, yet so far,
The invisible wall of the past
Prevents any approach
More forward than a simple hello…

When with her,
My smile becomes genuine
For the first time since before Christmas,
My heart is finally beating again,
Old worries disappear
Whenever she comes near…

Yet I can’t follow my feelings up,
Because the past remains the past,
He, despite electing to return
To the bickering he despised for so long,
Remains obsessively jealous,
I know he constantly watches her…

Waiting for a sign of her moving on,
If she were to move onto me,
He would feel betrayed like never before,
He has no right to feel this way,
Not after the way he callously moved on from her,
But he is such a switchy so-and-so…

One minute he wants his so called ‘love’…
Next minute he wants fling-after-fling…
Now comes the wait for the change…

Frank

Life’s complications,
Its worrying omissions,
Its many dimensions
And worrying superstitions
Choke young Frank like water in a rising ship…

He constantly runs his hands through his hair,
Hoping that something not there
Will suddenly appear
And make everything fair
In a world that quite simply isn’t…

He lives in denial,
Ignoring life’s trials,
Hoping everything will be handed to him
In one large ‘life & coping’ file
That’ll provide the answers he just can’t find himself…

"Who am I really?
Where is my she?
How can I be set free
From the confines of reality?"
He wonders these things everyday in silence…

He wants to try and forget,
He wants to escape his regret,
But his life’s not over yet
And this always makes him fret,
Since he can’t escape the past, he wants the end…

No one knew he was capable
Of being so unstable,
His constant smile was a fable,
One which keeping up was a struggle,
He never understood his place…

"Why am I here?
Why my constant fear?
Why can’t I live with the cheer
That makes people hold me so dear?"
He never understood anything…

In the end, it all proved too much
For Frank to live in a world of fictitious love,
He had enough of living in a sea of lies,
He had enough of being deceived by eyes,
He went to a tower, looked down at the ground…

Upon hitting the bottom...
"My peace was found…"

(I include Frank because Frank is a person who doesn't like to be left out of things, no matter how big or small - also, the narrative interests me, even if it could be argued the varying syllable lengths of each line potentially upset the reader's flow).

Our Last Chat

I remember our final words,
They sit vaguely in my memories,
I was heading to a rugby game,
Much to your surprise,
You asked me why…

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders,
Nothing else to do,
I’m sure that was my reply,
Myself and your dad went out the door,
I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw you breathing…

I can’t remember the conversation’s path
After ‘nothing better to do’,
I don’t recall any hints of your intentions,
All I remember are your smile and eyes,
They didn’t look like they wanted to die…

I suppose I was too young to read the signals,
Looking back now, I still can’t see any,
I guess I’ll never fully understand your motives,
Although I can make some educated guesses,
I know they are close to the mark…

Everything has moved so fast since that night on Tommy’s porch,
The world didn’t notice when your feet left the chair,
But I did,
We all did,
We still do…

And we always will…

Old Friendships Die

Five minutes in any direction,
Walking at my slowest pace,
Yet our differing institutions
Mean I never see familiar faces…

We all grew up together,
Hours were spent playing ball,
Once joined paths are severed,
Friendships take the fall…

Five of us are split by life’s path,
At different stages of our existence,
Will we even see each others epitaphs?
Only with continued persistence,
It all seems so crass
To pronounce our demise,
Yet our part in a divided class
Means, one-by-one, old friendships die…

It used to be everyday
That we spent together in rain and sun,
Now our being is in dismay,
Each other, we shun and shun…

The learning and the alcohol
Have become more important than us,
Salvation is an order too tall
To be asked of those who in blindness they trust…

Five of us are split by life’s path,
At different stages of our existence,
Will we even see each others epitaphs?
Only with continued persistence,
It all seems so crass
To pronounce our demise,
Yet our part in a divided class
Means, one-by-one, old friendships die…

I live so close,
Yet so far away,
These are the paths we chose,
Now we live each day…

In ignorance of what we once had,
Looking back is standing still,
A future with no us is so sad,
A void exists which can’t be filled…

Five of us are split by life’s path,
At different stages of our existence,
Will we even see each others epitaphs?
Only with continued persistence,
It all seems so crass
To pronounce our demise,
Yet our part in a divided class
Means, one-by-one, old friendships die…

Old friendships die…

Ideas

(under constant review)

The idea of having a reason to live,
The idea of achieving more than you think possible,
The idea of capturing and keeping the moment,
The idea of finding the one you love,
The idea of creating something permanent,
The idea that having two hearts could kill us,
The idea of inspiring,
The idea of being remembered,
The idea of making history,
The idea of being a role model,
The idea that beauty can cause destruction,
The idea of drawing millions,
The idea of being as happy as you can be,
The idea of waiting forever being completely worth it,
The idea of falling down,
The idea of getting back up,
The idea of seeing yourself in others eyes,
The idea of friendship barriers not preventing flourishing feelings,
The idea of making the ground thunder,
The idea of bringing joy and tears simultaneously,
The idea of being misunderstood,
The idea of death bringing something new,
The idea of pushing death aside to allow for birth,
The idea of shaping your own destiny,
The idea of living life to its full potential,
The idea of searching for the unexpected,
The idea of a promised dawn actually coming,
The idea of wishes made selflessly for others working in your favour,
The idea of stupid drama being abolished,
The idea of home being exactly that,
The idea of blind faith being rewarded,
The idea of honesty really being the best policy,
The idea of your loved ones being there forever,
The idea of the foundations you lay remaining strong,
The idea of walking away knowing you’ve done the right thing,
The idea of doing something properly,
The idea of ossification not leading to blindness as well,
The idea of a victory over circumstance being more than a dream,
The idea of being big enough to be small,
The idea of the feelings you feel taking shape in a person,
The idea of overcoming all obstacles in search of a higher purpose,
The idea of going home knowing you’ve earned it,
The idea that all of this is a gift,
The idea of permanent escapism,
The idea of being able to think freely without persecution,
The idea of making people proud,
The idea that everything you do isn't inconsequential in the end,
The idea of thoughts and dreams going on and on,
The idea of learning from others while remaining yourself,
The idea of creating something of life-changing importance,
The idea of being influenced before influencing,
The idea of having something to believe in…

The idea of having ideas…

(this poem is a catch all for any idea I have that I can't turn into a poem of its own - usually, lines that are added here are just random thoughts that I save as draft text messages in my phone, so all the random ideas jostling for prominence here no doubt contradict each other constantly).

Notches

I don’t know what to do,
A friend who once adored her
Would be unhappy if he knew of my feelings,
With her, he once had an obsession,
He has no right to be angry,
He chose to travel back to the past
Instead of facing reality,
He has committed himself to potential destruction again,
While also letting her fly away,
Like a wren,
He once proclaimed the strength
Of his own feelings for her to me,
Yet refused to wait for her to finalise her future,
He just went and added notches to his belt,
Until he come back to the very start again,
Back to his first and original notch,
Now worn and beaten from past wars,
And he allowed himself to fall again
For someone who he loves to hate…

I know, though, if I attempt anything with his brief flame…
His anger with me will last an eternity…
He should’ve thought of that before letting her fly away…