Double Consciousness

I stand in my cold box bedroom,
Back to the window that showcases a characterising downpour,
Looking at a scene that once housed so much gaiety
And marvelling at how dark it is now,
While also being amazed at how time flies
And transforms things that once were oh so familiar;
I close my eyes and open them again,
The scene that I now behold is different yet recognisable,
It is a setting from five and a half months previous,
I stand silently and watch as her and I scramble frantically,
Unable to keep each other’s hands from the other’s body,
I stare jealously as we simply sit and gaze into one another’s eyes,
I turn away as I see in her eyes the butterflies she always spoke of,
I need not look with my now distant sight as I recall the joy I once felt inside;
It being summer, the rays glorify an already glorious scene,
It plays off our brown and blue eyes and lights up our tanned faces,
The entire day pans out before me, exactly as it happened so long ago,
And I can only stand helplessly by and be overcome with envy,
As I watch myself grab her and hold her against my wooden wardrobe,
Kissing her passionately like there was no five minutes from now;
I struggle to hold tears in check as I see us lying side-by-side in each other’s arms,
Sleeping, talking, gazing and just holding onto this precious instance,
And I watch as we happily waste the day away
And as we talk of the many more days to come;
Yet, as this perfect moment unfolds before my eyes,
Piecing together a time of impeccable happiness,
The scene flickers between then and now,
And as I watch something irretrievable happen again
I am fully aware of the reality in which I stand;
I know the bedroom is bleak in the January freeze
And not affectionately tender in the August sun,
I know I stand ominously by the window overlooking my bed
And am not lying beside her, listening to her heart’s beat,
And, worst of all, I know she is not smiling here with me,
As she is in this flawless recollection I am having right now;
My mind’s eye is experiencing the double standards of a double consciousness
That forces me to relive the past while still living in the present,
One that offers no way back to the moments that were
And offers no hope in the way of making them moments that are…

(two reasons for Double Consciousness' inclusion: personally, it marks the end of an emotional stranglehold of a futile, long-ended romance and, writing-wise, it's the first of a flurry of poems written in blocks with an emphasis on images).

I Try, Yet Only Succeed

I try to forget, yet
Only succeed in remembering more,
I try to write differently, yet
Only succeed in writing the same as before,
I try to move forward, yet
Only succeed in living behind,
I try to foresee, yet
Only succeed in possessing sight that is hind,
I try to listen, yet
Only succeed in hearing our memories,
I try to close, yet
Only succeed in opening past and future realities,
I try to make amends, yet
Only succeed in shutting more doors,
I try to go out again, yet
Only succeed in creating mere chores,
I try to walk tall, yet
Only succeed in hunching,
I try to look up, yet
Only succeed in watching branches crunching,
I try to smile wide, yet
Only succeed in wearing a forced grimace,
I try to hold the tears back, yet
Only succeed in distorting my wretched face,
I try to make you notice, yet
Only succeed in pushing you away,
I try to make time reverse, yet
Only succeed in making you shout “not today!”
I try to find inspiration, yet
Only succeed in narrowing my vision,
I try to form a united front, yet
Only succeed in finding love’s division,
I try to stop this pointless drivel, yet
Only succeed in writing more lines,
I try to cease this self deprecation, yet
Only succeed in making more rhymes,
I try everything except the obvious thing, yet
Only succeed in worsening the worst,
I try the obvious thing, yet
Only succeed in falling at the first,
I try to follow what others do, yet
Only succeed in disappearing at their side,
I try to joke and laugh and all those things, yet
Only succeed in being cruel and snide,
I try to leave behind the charm, yet
Only succeed in gaping and gawking,
I try to distance myself from you, yet
Only succeed in talking and stalking,
I try to end the obsession, yet
Only succeed in increasing it tenfold,
I try to look at another, yet
Only succeed in acknowledging your vice like hold,
I try to avoid what others couldn’t, yet
Only succeed in spiralling into depression,
I try to leave it all behind, yet
Only succeed in writing my confession…

Dublin Pleasures

All around the wet, busy city centre,
In the rainy, windy night,
With cringing faces and half-shut eyes,
Huddled into their own bodies,
Wrapped in clothes that fend off the weather
But can’t fend off what’s inside,
People walk with stories to tell,
Some happy,
Some sad,
All unique and relative to their own lives…

One man walks by,
Suit and tie, briefcase in hand,
Anger, confusion, hurt all in his expression,
As he braves the cutting wind
He toys with the idea of asking
The question to the one he loves,
Yet fear of rejection and damage to his ego
Prevent him from doing so…

His chance will go begging, breaking his heart…

A young girl walks by,
Hood over her head,
The label on the front stereotypical,
Her eyes are an alleyway leading nowhere,
Beneath the sleeves of her coat
Scars from her mental battles lie,
She is toying with the idea of leaving it all behind,
She’s a burden, who would care?
A lone tear drips down her face
As she plucks up her resolve…

Her body would be found in the Liffey the next day…

An old man walks by,
Fighting to keep his cap on his head,
Wrinkles showing years of wars and wisdom,
His teeth are false and his bladder is non-existent,
He moves stiffly and the cold cuts him
Like a thousand knives cutting through butter,
The years are taking their toll on him now,
His wife left this world five years ago,
He has no children, no other family at all,
He knows his time is coming to an end…

He will join his waiting wife in two days time…

A group of four lads walk by,
Coming from one of their cars,
Shirts on, studs in their ears,
Heading to their favourite night club,
All with thoughts of ossification
And of pulling tonight firmly in their minds,
Their lives revolve solely around these things,
Seeing and doing other things doesn’t come into it
Because they are young,
They have all the time in the world…

A car crash kills them all; the stories in the papers will paint false pictures of those lads…

One woman walks by,
Mid-forties, shopping bags in either hand
As well as the bags under her eyes,
Life has not gone according to plan,
She wanted to see the world,
But has only ever seen Dublin,
With three children and a deceased husband
Her dream looks like never being fulfilled,
The pressures of single parent hood cripple her permanently…

She would die without ever escaping the place she hated most…

A middle-aged man walks by,
Official looking, money to the seams,
The economic meltdown affects him in no way,
He has three houses, foreign investments,
Stocks in all sorts of money-making ventures,
He thinks he is fixed for life,
He can imagine it now, his life on a private island…

Within a year, bankruptcy would leave him foraging in bins beside his old office…

A teenager walks by,
Woolly hat on his head, headphones blocking out
The noise of the city centre,
A distracted look on his face as he bumps into people,
He thinks he’s insignificant to everyone else,
He can’t bring himself to ask out the girl he likes
Because he feels she would never want to go near him,
So he just consoles himself by saying ‘I will, I will…’
And never doing anything except write about his feelings…

His procrastination will see him lose her and a number of other girls…

A foreign couple walk by,
Visitors to our country,
Taking in all the sights,
They’re trying to find a particular place
And ask anyone who passes for directions,
Everyone ignores their query for no apparent reason,
They approach one particular group of lads,
Scumbags, hoodies up, cans in bags,
The scumbags sense their chance
And lead them astray…

The two bodies would be found stripped of all money and valuables…

Another young boy walks by,
He is easily affected by the things going on in his life,
He comes from a broken home,
Every little thing can elate or deflate him,
He doesn’t know how to deal with everything happening inside,
He fears the future…

He would become an alcoholic and a junkie…

A boy in his early twenties walks by,
Essays, projects, presentations
All swirling around his clouded mind,
College has taken its toll on his life,
Preventing him from spending time with the people he loves
And from doing the things most important to him,
He’s only in college to please his family
Who want him to work in a nice white collar job,
Despite the global recession hitting the people already in those jobs,
He just wants a job in a nice quiet place,
So he can spend time with those he cares about
And do the things he’s always dreamed of…

But he would get the white collar job and would struggle to make quality time until the end of his days…

Another girl walks by,
On her way to a fancy dress party,
She’s a fairy,
She blocks out the depression of a boy she cares about,
Blocks it out while saying to herself
Semper Fi, semper Fi,
She’s convinced in her own mind she knows his mind,
She’s convinced he won’t do what he writes about always,
She knows him…

Not well enough; he would be found hanging from his bedroom ceiling three weeks later…

Two people
From two different counties,
Think about each other day and night,
Trying to second guess the thoughts of the other,
They were one once,
But circumstances drove them apart,
And, despite the elimination of those circumstances,
They are afraid to approach each other again,
As the little doubts have crawled inside their minds,
Making them fear the loss of their friendship
More than the loss of their love…

They would end up with other people and their love would never be realised…

There are more people and more stories than this,
All these people don’t know each other,
All these people could be one person,
All their situations are relative to themselves,
No one in or out of this list could turn to anyone else
And claim their suffering is worse than any,
Each person has their own suffering to deal with,
Consideration of others’ circumstance rarely exists,
Self-centralisation is easier for us all…

This is Dublin…
This is life…
This is how we live it…

Days and Months

A time spent searching for something,
Days and months wishing it to be true,
Solitude and loneliness, what’s the difference?
Then I found you,
And learned exactly how to differentiate the two…

I had it all for a few weeks,
Something I spent an age looking for
Disappeared too quickly after finding it,
Now I wonder what it was all for,
As I find myself back where I was before…

Now our contact is minimal to void,
Your messages are getting shorter and shorter,
Dismissive replies and the misuse of the ellipsis
Are things I am used to seeing at this quarter,
Getting beyond you is a fight against brick and mortar…

And the time begins to slow down again,
Now that we have reached the end of our path,
A feeling lingers inside that we have something unfinished
But our conversations are split second since the aftermath,
I now know the meaning of ‘hell hath…’

So I try to get on with living life in this world,
While trying to hold something I cannot keep,
My actions since our final words as a couple to each other
Have been the ones of a stalker-like creep,
Too deep I have allowed old feelings to seep…

Even when someone else walks right into my arms
At the behest of no one but her own lustful heart,
I find it impossible to let go of the past,
As I fear blowing our non-existent friendship apart,
Setting me back further than the start…

I’ve qualified the new one as a mere trifle,
Someone to take me away from the brutal honesty
That I know I will have to face again someday,
That I know will slap me in the face when I finally see
That you have completely forgotten about me…

This is it Now

Reading too much into things
Is a flaw unforgivable,
I am the master of this,
It makes life unforeseeable,
These eyes wish to see a blue
Sky with clouds over a blue sea,
Instead, grey clouds roll over,
Blighting already dark scenery…

Where’s the help promised to me?
It’s all going to waste, yes,
This is it now, this is it,
What happens next is anyone’s guess,
Winds of change blow in my face,
Ripping up trees from their deep roots,
Men appear, holding their guns,
The leader steps forward and shoots…

The bullet flies at me and
Hits the mark, taking life from me,
Breathing slows, then ceases, blood
Flows, then blinds my eyes completely…

The Writer

The writer writes by dim candle light
About the shame that haunts his lonely nights,
The writer writes by the open window
As the breeze threatens to further his woe,
The writer writes in an effort to prevail
Against the sirens that in the distance wail,
The writer writes about the turmoil
That has come from a greed for spoils,
The writer writes all through the night
Until the coming of the first light…

The writer’s pen is his only friend
And it will guide him until the end,
The writer’s pen is his cherished escape
From the cruel world’s jibes and japes,
The writer’s pen is his shameful addiction
That comes without a doctor’s prescription,
The writer’s pen scrawls about how
Its owner struggles in the here and now,
The writer’s pen is a gift and a curse
That can make things better or a whole lot worse…

The writer’s soul was once whole,
Writing about ambitions and goals,
The writer’s soul was once caring,
Writing about the love he was sharing,
The writer’s soul was once adored
By those he once held close to his core,
The writer’s soul was once the framework
He used to access the place where shadows lurk,
The writer’s soul is now a token
Of the life that has left him broken…

The writer’s writing is terribly frightening,
It scares its readers into hiding,
The writer’s writing is restrictively depressing,
It prevents cut throat emotion expressing,
The writer’s writing can make one cry
Because of the metaphor of the word ‘fly’,
The writer’s writing can make one drown
Beneath thoughts of loss and life under the crown,
The writer’s writing is his be all and end all,
His only way of recording his downfall…

The writer has committed no sin
In writing about a life yet to begin,
The writer has committed no atrocity
By living a life in absolute animosity,
The writer has committed no acts
That should cause faith in himself to be lax,
The writer has committed no theft
Of literary works more deft,
The writer has committed but one crime,
That is of being born in the wrong place at the right time…

And Again/I Say No

And here I am again,
Square sweet square,
Telling a half truth
To escape future despair,
And despite the minor honesty,
I find my vision narrowed
By the thing not let go
Caused by feelings arrowed…

So this is set in stone,
This ache at my heart’s pit,
No ice or cold
Will freeze or defeat it,
She knows everything,
Yet desires nothing from me,
So now I must lose the ball and chain
That stops my being free…

The silence of solitude is sweeter
Than the freedom of exitlude,
But emancipation brings permanence
Solitude only dreams of…

And my home is a prison,
Locking me away with my feelings,
They haunt me night and day
Mocking my misgivings,
She wishes only to be pleasured
By someone who isn’t me,
So this pitiful struggle
Is pointless I now see…

Shaking tells me to give in,
Heart’s wish is mind’s command,
Fighting will bring more pain than joy
So walk away heart in hand,
It can be reused someday,
Maybe not tomorrow or the next day,
But sometime soon, I say,
When I’ve overcome this inner dismay…

The silence of solitude is sweeter
Than the freedom of exitlude,
But emancipation brings permanence
Solitude only dreams of…

The silence of solitude is sweeter
Than the freedom of exitlude,
But emancipation brings permanence
Solitude only dreams of…

But I say no.
But I say no.
But I say no.
But I say no.

(this is a song, very simple, to the point, but I quite like the chorus so I've included it here - also, the fact that I've managed some measure of control the words when I really just wanted to rant and rave is another reason for its inclusion).

The Times

Times are hard,
The country’s on its knees,
People start to fall away,
All the while I hear you pray
“Let me keep my job this winter…”

Bread and milk are the priority,
Food for the children is a must,
Luxuries’ are no more,
As the winter gets colder
Warm clothes need to be found…

Into the local shop you go
To get the perishables,
You thrust your hand into your pocket,
Searching for the coppers,
It’s all the money you have…

But there’s nothing in your pocket,
Panic takes over,
The shopkeeper takes away the perishables,
“I’ve been pick pocketed, I’ve been pick pocketed!”
But it makes no difference…

You turn your head wildly around
To find who it is that would do such a thing,
Every face is as guilty as the next,
Yet you can’t bring yourself to point the finger,
You leave the shop, empty-handed and broken…

The two ministers snicker slyly in the corner…

The Robin

Autumn leaves fall to the ground,
Stormy wind, the only sound,
Branches sway wildly in the breeze,
Flowers preparing for Winter’s freeze,
A robin swoops down over my head,
Enticing me with its shimmering red,
I follow it for reasons unknown,
I pray my faith in it is shown…

I’m walking along a wet pavement,
Turning over numbing sentiments,
Watching children fight the weather,
Watching the fall of pieces severed,
My head’s in the clouds, yet still bowed,
Surrounded by a dark shroud,
I’m carried by blind faith, not by thought,
Yet, I’m also carried by every thing so fraught…

I leave cityscape and come to a forest,
Hoping to rediscover what it means to be honest,
I’m drawn to a dried up riverbed,
While thinking of loved ones living and dead,
I see my reflection in its only patch of water,
But it dies; no other ties were shorter,
I follow the robin up a rising hill,
My feet are moving at their own will…

They stop beside a raging waterfall,
The icy depths begin their call,
Looking back, I see treetops in line,
Looking forward, I see a simple sign,
Looking up, I see the robin fly away,
Looking down, I see the end to my day,
I close my eyes and gravity takes hold,
All is dark now and permanently cold…

The Past is the Present

In my mind, the past is the present,
Nothing about my feelings has changed,
This could be seen as being romantic in an unromantic world,
Or it could be seen as being completely deranged…

Moving on is as tedious as fighting for her back,
I’m besieged on all sides by my own confusion,
I end up spinning in pointless circles,
In an effort to find the hidden solution…

All the while, my heart’s beat is no different,
Even though we ended what feels like centuries ago,
While my feelings are still chained to your heart,
Her feelings are on permanent show…

My life ceases to move, while hers continues to live on,
Her life is lit still, while she has stolen my shine,
I know her heart has been given to another already,
Now I need to find someone else who’ll gladly receive mine…

Even though I’m not ready yet to forget the past…
As I think it’s the present and I think I can make it last…

Jazz Club

At the bar,
The jazz belting,
Staring at another empty glass,
Barmaid asks me,
The doubt ringing,
Staring into my bloodshot eyes,
One more please,
The request hanging,
Unwillingly, she pulls the pint,
Head in hands,
The thoughts compounding,
Drinking away my sorrows,
Barmaid’s cold hands,
The nerves showing,
Shaking voice asks me to stop,
Look of indignation,
The anger bubbling,
Screaming is just held in check,
A polite response,
The insincerity wreaking,
Cracking voice gives me away,
A decisive action,
The drink spilling,
Pouring it away in front of me,
Mind’s breaking point,
The frustration boiling,
Exploding on this innocent person,
Barmaid breaks down,
The tears falling,
Running out of the lounge,
A shocked silence,
The disgust spreading,
Infecting the bystanders watching,
Hands grab me,
The sensation of flying,
Throwing me out the door…

The silence still ringing…
As my night is no more…

I Took Him to the Grave

I took him to the grave,
Just to see the smile falter,
Just to see the unassuming shyness fade away,
Just to see the tears fall,
Not out of cruelty,
Not out of sadism,
Not out of mockery…

But out of a need to make him see…
That he’s not alone in missing the big man…

I took him to the grave,
To make a pivotal point,
To make him understand,
To make him realise,
That he’s got people to turn to,
That he’s not isolated in all this,
That he’s not alone…

That letting it all become pent up inside…
Is doing more harm than the good he thinks he’s doing…

I took him to the grave,
In an effort to help him move on,
In an effort to prevent more damage being done,
In an effort to forget the unchangeable,
As standing still is futile in the end,
As standing still will only kill us too,
As standing still is drowning in past sorrows…

As standing still, wallowing in pain unbearable…
Only allows another life to go to waste…

And where’s the point in that?
I took him to the grave to make him understand that…

I've Come

I've come to repent,
Yet this religion is too commercial,
I've come to repent,
Yet what we're told is selective,
I've come to repent,
Yet we're only told what we want to hear,
I've come to repent,
Yet this won't save me...

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent,
Yet the confession given is false,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet I’ll leave just as sinful,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet this institution is a propaganda machine,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet repenting here is futile…

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent,
Yet it is you who should be repenting,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet all who repent do so in fear,
I’ve come to repent,
Yet those who repent will end up in hell,
I’ve come to repent,
In search of an answer to all the lies…

Blindness won’t save us…
Ignorance won’t save us…
Praying won’t save us…
If we only pray in vain…

I’ve come to repent…
So let me repent and be saved…
By the false prophecies’ of the false prophets…
We’ll see how true they are come the tribulation…

Let’s see if commercial religion spares me…

It Matters

They all don’t know what I am,
They all believe in the person they see,
They all think the front is everything,
They all miss what lies beneath,
My mind tells me this is good,
My mind tells me to continue the show,
My mind tells me keep on pretending,
My mind tells me they need not know…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

They all love the person they think I am,
They all want me to believe in myself,
They all voice their wonders aloud,
They all want me to dig inside myself,
My mind tells me this is wonderful,
My mind tells me to play along,
My mind tells me they allow themselves to be fooled,
My mind tells me to do what I know is wrong…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

Yet I have the power to turn it all around…
Yet I don’t have the power to cease my sins…
Yet I see in my sights the future I could have…
Yet I see it vanish as the end begins…

It matters that I know…
It matters I’m living a lie…
It matters everyone’s been deceived…
It matters I can’t look man in the eye…

Jar

The signs are there now for all to see,
You say it’s time for a change,
An escape from your confined reality
And a chance to extend your range…

The weather outside matches me inside,
The greyness of the sky is like my mood,
While the raging of the rain
Is like the anger that makes me brood,
Sleep is now an impossible dream,
Much like the idea of retrieving you again,
I can’t close my eyes while knowing
Our love has disappeared down the drain,
The pictures of you smiling haunt me always,
Shimmering in your winged dress,
All I want is your face in my hands
So it I can kiss and caress,
As it is my days and nights are spent alone,
Wondering why things are the way they are,
Months ago it was ended now
Yet I still feel you in my internal jar,
All bottled up and kept from the world,
Mine to keep forever and ever,
Yet you squirmed away through the seal
And now I see our ties begin to sever,
I thought you and I were permanently entwined,
Destined to live and die, side-by-side,
Now I know that this was foolish to believe
As when the time came away you shied...

The signs are there now for all to see,
You say it’s time for a change,
An escape from your confined reality
And a chance to extend your range…

Let's Wage Peace

When there’s nothing left to fight for,
When all is calm,
Peace is waged
By those who claim to preach the Psalms…

When an excuse is needed,
When the finger is itching for the trigger,
Peace is waged,
Lead by that unmistakable figure…

When the economy crashes to the ground,
When a united front is needed the most,
Peace is waged
By democracy’s supposed host…

When angry words are exchanged
Between countries millions of miles away,
Peace is waged
By the self proclaimed ‘God’s’ people, who fight everyday…

When the earth rebels,
When it lashes, quakes and shakes,
Peace is waged
By those trying to hide their own mistakes…

When fingers are pointed,
When blame is laid at their door,
Peace is waged
By those bloodthirsty for war…

When all is silent on the battle field of life…
“Let’s wage peace!” is the shout raised by the mongerers of strife…

Sleep Walker

I stand in my room,
A different door creaks,
Turning, I see my brother,
Head bowed, blanket in hand,
Standing on the landing,
Ready to descend the stairs…

I stop him,
His eyes are wide, glassy,
With black rings around them,
Where are you going?
An inaudible mumble,
I question him again…

And his tone suddenly changes…

I’m going to bed,
He gets angry as I move him back to his room,
His anger remits in his voice,
I have never heard him speak like that before,
It’s at a whole new level, not louder,
Just firmer, deeper, and more sinister…

It unnerves me,
Not what he said,
Just the way he said it,
That look in his eyes wasn’t his own,
That voice in his throat wasn’t his own,
Leaving one question…

Whose was it?

I Just Know

I just know,
And it’s following me,
I just know,
And it’s infecting me,
I just know,
And it’s plaguing me,
I just know,
And it’s haunting me,
I just know,
And it’s laughing at me,
I just know,
And it’s mocking me,
I just know,
And it’s hurting me,
I just know,
And it’s breaking me,
I just know,
And it’s devouring me,
I just know,
And it’s crushing me,
I just know,
And it’s numbing me,
I just know,
And it’s tearing away at me,
I just know,
And it’s destroying me,
I just know,
And it’s slowing me,
I just know,
And it’s taking over me,
I just know,
And it’s killing me…

I just know…
I just know that it’s over…

I'm

(under constant review)

I’m your soul,
I’m your mind,
I’m your heart,
I’m the voice inside,
I’m your conscience,
I’m the flicker of doubt,
I’m the spanner in the works,
I’m the saddest thing you’ve ever seen,
I’m the difference,
I’m what you fear most,
I’m the contradiction in your life,
I’m the cause of your hypocrisy,
I’m what makes you sweat,
I’m what makes you shiver,
I’m the cause of your confusion,
I’m the one who can bring clarity,
I’m the be all and end all,
I’m the reason for your existence,
I’m the reason for your wish to exit,
I’m every breath you take,
I’m every emotion you feel,
I'm the reason you haven't fallen to pieces,
I'm your sanity,
I’m the intensity inside,
I’m the reason you lose that intensity,
I’m what makes you tick,
I’m what makes you stop ticking,
I’m in control…

I’m your life…
I’m your death…

Sometimes and Other Times

(under constant review)

Sometimes, living in the past is what’s best for your mind,
Other times, living in the past destroys the present and the future,
Sometimes, losing your heart’s greatest love inspires you to even greater things,
Other times, losing your heart’s greatest love initiates an irreversible depression,
Sometimes, a torrent of abuse provokes the desired reaction,
Other times, a torrent of abuse merely exasperates everything,
Sometimes, telling the truth cancels out the wrong caused by that truth,
Other times, telling the truth is the final nail in the coffin constructed by that truth,
Sometimes, saying I love you is the hardest thing you could ever have to say,
Other times, saying I love you is so natural and easy that it has to be fake,
Sometimes, showing someone you love them means showing a million others aswell,
Other times, showing someone you love them means telling someone else you hate them,
Sometimes, the brave step up and show everyone why they are labelled ‘the brave’,
Other times, the brave step up and wilt so embarrassingly others wonder how they earned the title of bravery in the first place,
Sometimes, faith can be rewarded in the most unlikely of ways,
Other times, faith can be torn apart in the most unlikely of ways,
Sometimes, your conscience can cause the noblest of actions,
Other times, your conscience simply ceases to exist at all,
Sometimes, a nod and a smile are the best ways to deal with a frown and a grunt,
Other times, a witty remark and a sly wink are the best ways to deal with a frown and a grunt,
Sometimes, the best of us are the ones’ who make martyrs of us all,
Other times, the best of us hold back when most would charge blindly,
Sometimes, the blind see further than the seeing,
Other times, the deaf hear more than the hearing,
Sometimes, people hold back when they should say what needs to be said,
Other times, people say what they should say outright, and destroy everything around them in the process,
Sometimes, the best form of communicating lies in saying nothing,
Other times, one carefully chosen word says everything,
Sometimes, when you make a mistake it's the best for everyone,
Other times, when you make a mistake it's worse for everyone else,
Sometimes, tears fall out of complete joy,
Other times, tears fall because everything else is falling too,
Sometimes, getting up in the morning is the most difficult thing you'll do all day,
Other times, days pass by in a blur until the moment of destiny you've been dreading comes,
Sometimes, turning to a friend is worse than turning to an enemy,
Other times, turning to an enemy brings about circumstances unforeseen,
Sometimes, what you seek the most is closer than you could ever hope to imagine,
Other times, what you seek the most has something to seek all of its own,
Sometimes, the words ‘if’, ‘maybe’ and ‘unsure’ are exactly what’s needed,
Other times, a single doubt causes multiple mayhems…

Sometimes, the world around you begins falling apart…
Other times, this is simply the world coming together…

I 'Get On' to Get On

Gazing from my corner,
Back to the wall,
Listening to the conversations
Of them all,
Over a year’s worth,
Now all gone,
Where’s the contentedness
I knew for so long?
There is no common ground,
It’s uneven and lopsided,
There is no one to whom
I have truly confided,
I sit in the corner,
Eyes in my head,
Trying to remember all
The genuine things said…

I ‘get on’ to get on,
I feign to be a part,
Now it’s all fallen down
And brought me back before the start…

My smile stands alone,
The eyes can’t react,
Yet here I sit still
Due to my stubborn pact,
Cliques are born and bred,
Invitations are extended,
Yet they are all withdrawn
By acts unprecedented,
All the empty gestures,
Concerns and awkward questions,
Compound in my mind
Without any explanations,
The effort is becoming futile,
The truth is coming to light,
Now it’s time to walk away
And stop fighting a losing fight…

I ‘get on’ to get on,
I feign to be a part,
Now it’s all fallen down
And brought me back before the start…

Looking Eyes

She looks at me,
With those looking eyes,
Up and down,
Searching for lies…

I look at her,
Complete innocence,
Void of strife,
Now it makes sense…

Deceit builds up,
Breaking us apart,
We won’t work,
Forced to depart…

Hearts are broken,
Walking away hurts,
Our own fault,
For spouting dirt…

Always so shy,
When being so bland,
A dry mouth,
Swallowing sand…

Loved you always,
Why were you so blind?
Full of hate,
Why so unkind?

Lonely walk time,
Crying my eyes out,
Piecing thoughts,
Shattering doubt…

My mind wonders,
Did I really try?
Then it asks,
Did I just lie?

Which did I do?
What happened to me?
Went astray,
No longer free…

She looked at me,
With those looking eyes,
Up and down,
Finding the lies…

Don't Cry

Please don’t start,
I’ll just follow,
This shouldn’t be sad,
Yet is hard to swallow,
This is a brand new chapter
In a book half filled,
So wipe those tears away
And ignore those already spilled…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new await,
Please don’t cry,
You’re in the hands of fate…

Your breath I see rising
Up into the bitter morning air,
Even now I see tears forming,
A sight I just can’t bear,
Envy builds inside,
I want to escape this place,
But my time has yet to come,
So I save face…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new are calling,
Please don’t cry
And add to the tears already falling…

I imagine what it’s like,
The rollercoaster of emotions,
The difficulty of saying goodbye
And the losing of devotions,
Letting go is always harder
Than grabbing hold,
But this is something too unique
To be forsaken in the November cold…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new are within reach,
Please don’t cry,
Just make your goodbye speech…

When your feet leave the ground
Your tears will fall the hardest,
When they land on new terrain
The smile in place will be the widest,
So let go of the life you’re leaving now,
Look forward at what is to be,
Step blindly into the unexpected
And keep your mind open completely…

Please don’t cry,
Pastures new beckon now,
Please don’t cry,
Just take your final bow…

And live the life you’ve always wanted to live…


(my aunty Catherine moved to Australia in November 2008; this is what I wrote after seeing her off)

Perceptions

I’ve walked with kings
And felt no better,
I’ve danced with queens
And knew no worse…

I’ve dined in halls
And felt insignificant,
I’ve lived in slums
And knew royalty…

Perceptions are futile,
If you get them so wrong,
What you see
Is not what you get…

I’ve gazed at seas
And imagined uprising,
I’ve seen into eyes
And been pacified by sight…

I’ve lived with taunts
And thought them harmless,
I’ve listened intently
And taken them to heart…

Perceptions are futile,
If you get them so wrong,
What you get
Is not what you know…

I’ve slept on stone
And felt right at home,
I’ve rested on pillows
And wished to cry…

I’ve spoken no sense
And known my coherence,
I’ve argued logic with logic
And felt at a loss…

Perceptions are futile,
If you get them so wrong,
What you know
Is not what you hear…

I’ve walked in crowds
And felt on my own,
I’ve walked alone
And felt at perfect ease…

I’ve played in teams
And known isolation,
I’ve been told what to do
And done the complete opposite…

Perceptions are futile,
If you get them so wrong,
What you hear
Is not what it seems…

(this is another song I wrote, and I wrote the lyrics while listening to Imagine Me (As I Am) by Star Crossed Enemies - the only thing about this song/poem is that it doesn't seem to end, but I suppose in a way that's the point because people never stop perceiving things).

Dawn 'til Dawn

From dawn ‘til dawn,
I think only of what was,
I sit in a haze
Of past memories,
A sleepless daze of nostalgia,
I console my broken heart
With futile clichés,
Such as,
It’s better to have loved and lost
Than to never have loved at all…

From dawn ‘til dawn,
Tears uninterrupted fall,
Hands are clasped together,
As tight as the tightest crevice,
In fear of what they would do
If they were given freedom of movement and thought,
Images of the past are ingrained
Upon the inside of my eyelids,
While the pain of the present is ingrained
Upon the whole of my soul…

From dawn ‘til dawn,
I shake violently at the thought
Of her in the arms of someone else,
I’m blinded by constant flashes of her
Rolling around, laughing with another,
They haunt my endless sleeplessness,
For there are no days or nights anymore,
Only the passing of a lone drawn out period of time
That started as soon as we ended,
As soon as the line was broken…

From dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…

Always waiting for the next dawn…
Hoping it will be the new one…
Before realising nothing’s changed…
And the hope for the next dawn starts again…

From dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…

The darkest of nights or the brightest of mornings…
Neither make a difference to this current predicament…
My thoughts, desires and epiphanies are the same…
From dawn ‘til dawn I’ll experience them all…

From dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…
‘til dawn ‘til dawn…
Until one dawning day…

My eyes cease to open…

(Only in My) Dreams

Dream one,
We spend the entire day together,
Here, at my house,
We don’t kiss, but hold hands,
Enjoying the pleasure of each others’ company,
Then, it’s time to go,
We walk through the shopping centre,
Hands still held,
We exit through the entrance,
As the bus flies toward the stop,
Before I knew what was happening,
You were gone and headed for the bus,
I chase, but my legs are so heavy,
I may as well be running in retrograde,
It starts raining as the bus pulls away,
She must have heard the screams as I broke down
Somewhere between anger and tears,
At least I had the chance to…

Only in my most vivid of dreams…

Dream two,
I am working into the early hours,
A thought strikes me as I finish,
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if she just turned up now?
I smile to myself at the farce of the dream,
I struggle upstairs, open my bedroom door,
And there she is,
Wearing a creamy silk nightdress,
Smiling in all her glory,
She practically jumps on me,
We lie there and kiss for hours,
We caress while talking about the time we lost,
I even tell her about how I wished for her to appear,
She laughs,
We go to town for the rest of the day
And enjoy the day and each other,
The happiness in the air is just indescribable,
At least it had the chance to be…

Only in my most vivid of dreams…

Cliff of Moments

Standing on the cliff’s edge,
Looking down at the crashing blue moment to come,
When all of life’s previous moments
Flow freely through my now clear mind…

The moment I was finally given a chance,
The moment I felt taller than the Empire State,
The moment I felt my heartstrings tug,
The moment the colossus suddenly fell,
The moment I learned to let go,
The moment I left my shell,
The moment friendships were formed,
The moment I was accepted,
The moment I finally realised,
The moments I gave my heart away,
The moments it was thrown back in my face,
The moment I paid attention to everything around me,
The moment I listened to the cracking inside,
The moment all care disappeared,
The moment I decided to walk away, but couldn't move my feet,
The moment it all seemed to come together,
The moment I realised it had all fallen apart…

Which leads me to this current moment,
Standing on the cliff’s edge,
Arms outstretched,
Ready to succumb to the hurricane-strength breeze at my back…

Suddenly I’m thrown…

And I’m falling
Toward my final moment,
Toward the cold clarity of the deep blue sea,
It swallows me whole…

And I realise that everyone follows this well worn path…
Now the freezing blue makes way for the deathly black…

A Million Pieces

Two halves come together,
Expecting to fit perfectly,
They lock,
They fit for a moment,
But they break away,
Unable to be pieced together…

One of the halves has a jagged piece
Jutting out of its corner,
This is preventing the two halves
Making a coherent whole,
In an attempt to force each other to come together,
They smash off each other repeatedly…

This too fails,
More cracks and jagged pieces
Just appear in the two halves,
But still they try to force themselves to lock,
Continuously smashing off each other,
Every time they do, another piece of them falls away…

Until eventually, they are no longer two full halves…
They are just a million pieces on the ground…

As a Tower

Trying to stand as tall as a tower…
Even while others hold the real power…

Propagandists control what we read and think,
The future of thought is beginning to sink,
No one cares that we’re being told what to believe,
No one realises what’s put in front of us is there to deceive,
What one man can do is the hardest thing,
Breaking convention means breaking everything,
Standing up to be counted isn’t always easy,
But is must be done to keep the written word free,
Otherwise this growing web of lies
Will grow so much we’ll lie when someone dies…

Trying to stand as tall as a tower…
Even while others hold the real power…

Who do we turn to when searching for inspiration?
We just spin in circles in utter desperation,
Who is out there that can show us the way?
The world is just filled with those in dismay,
All this talk of a crisis spreads more lies,
All this talk of a crisis raises more cries,
People need to hear the truth of it all,
But the corporations want to hide the fall,
Control is slipping away from everything,
Yet still we, the people, elect to do nothing…

Trying to stand as tall as a tower…
Even while others hold the real power…

You'll Never Kick a Ball Again

The ball was suspended in the air,
Dropping slowly,
It was always my ball to win,
In I slid, winning it cleanly,
Then the studs made their connection,
Muscles snapped, bones cracked,
My leg was no long my leg,
It was hanging by a thread…

The ambulance came,
Strapped me up good and tight,
The pain was unbearable,
But it was the thought of never playing again
That brought tears to my eyes,
Everyone’s constant reassurances
Almost had me fooled into thinking it would be ok,
Almost…

Two days later,
After three major surgeries
(attempts to reconstruct my leg),
The doctor looked at me
With the most forlorn expression I have ever seen,
Biting his lower lip,
Showing blatant fear,
And he said…

You’ll never kick a ball again…

You can’t imagine the pain this sentence brought,
You can’t comprehend how devastated I was,
Simply because it seems so ridiculous
To feel that depressed about something like football,
People are dying, they all said,
You nearly lost your leg,
And you’re in tears about never kicking a football again?!
You’ve had it lucky…

No I haven’t,
The happiest I have ever been
Is on a football pitch,
In the heat of a match,
Tackles flying, the ball zipping,
Even when brought down to the lowest of the lows
I was always happier having the chance to experience those lows,
Then being at home and not experiencing them at all…

Now that chance has been taken away from me,
All because someone was half a second slower than I was,
It doesn’t seem fair,
Life rarely is,
But no matter what people do to try and console me,
No matter how many times they say I’m lucky
To still have a chance at walking again,
I’ll always be haunted by those doctor’s words to me…

You’ll never kick a ball again…

Widening

‘No soul to damn, no body to kick…’

He limps through the path of life,
Beaten and bruised,
But not yet broken,
Even though every bone in his body
Has been broken at least once before,
Even though his heart and soul
Have been smashed beyond repair,
He perseveres,
Even though his eyes show the internal cracks,
He could fall away from everything at any moment,
Pain both physical and emotional
Tortures him at all times
During the day and night,
His dreams always turn into nightmares,
Reminding him of the harshness of his life,
Reminding him of his inability to escape,
He doesn’t complain,
He endures,
Yet his nineteen years have left him
Feeling closer to ninety,
He’s experienced all of life’s turbulences
Without ever leaving his teens…

He’s won,
He’s lost,
He’s loved,
He’s lost,
He’s given,
He’s lost,
He’s received,
He’s lost,
He’s opened,
He’s lost,
He’s closed,
He’s lost,
He’s smiled,
He’s lost,
He’s bared,
He’s lost,
He’s been honest,
He’s lost,
He’s brought hope,
He’s lost,
He’s been the light,
He’s lost…

He’s burned out…
He’s lost more than anyone…
No one can live life in a deficit…
He may not yet be broken…
But the cracks are forever widening…

Lost Time

You were mine, but now I’ve lost you,
Everything around reminds me constantly,
Now I pine for the days gone by,
When we were one and we were free…

I miss the days we spent together,
Lying down, side-by-side,
They were always few and far between,
We always had time to bide…

All the borders and complications,
Ruined something unbreakable,
Now we’re split and miles away,
The pain I feel is unmistakable…

I can’t escape thoughts of you,
Your home follows me everywhere,
I remember it as if it was now,
My mind’s jogging is just not fair…

Leaving feeling is just not happening,
The more I run the more it stays,
I just want to fall asleep,
And wake up back in the past days…

Every time I open my eyes,
I hope things have gone back to how they were,
But sleep can’t bring this pleasure,
For lost time, there is no cure…

(another poem lamenting lost love, but this one has a measure of control that's been lacking in the others up to now - that's because I was listening to Bloc Party's Signs when writing it, meaning Lost Time can, essentially, be sung to the music of Signs).

What Defines an 'Emo'?

What defines an ‘emo’?
This is how I think it should be defined:

I think it makes a mockery of those
Who are truly depressed,
It is an image,
A persona,
That the youth of today have adopted
Because they think it is ‘cool’,
When, the fact is, they are flirting with something
That should never be flirted with,
If depression and genuine suicidal thoughts
Can be avoided, they should be at all costs,
What ‘emo’ does is take someone as close
To these things as mentally possible
Without throwing them in too deep…

The problem is, this achieves only one of two things:
One,
The person only takes one step towards being depressed,
Everything else they do is just part of an act,
An image of being depressed,
Until they realise how fake they’ve become,
This is what being ‘emo’ is all about,
Or, more tragically, two,
They become so immersed in their new found persona
That they begin to dig deeper and deeper inside their souls
And end up falling into the massive hole they’ve made within themselves,
They descend into genuine depression…

A lot of the things I’ve written are depressing,
I can’t deny that,
But, no matter what I’ve written,
No matter what I’ve claimed,
I KNOW I’m not depressed,
I have NO RIGHT to even think about claiming it,
And neither does anyone who has embraced
The social stance of an ‘emo’,
As they do not appreciate the strength of the emotion
They are toying with…

You know what the frightening thing about real depression is?
It can be hidden so easily,
I have never seen depression,
But I have seen it’s poker face,
I couldn’t describe depression,
But I could describe the mask a person wears to hide it,
‘Emo’ is like an oversized mask,
The difference is this mask is designed to be fake,
It’s designed to be tossed away,
The mask of depression is adopted against the person’s will
In an effort to see every day out to its end,
Until one day, they can’t see the day out,
And the mask falls and smashes on the ground,
As do the lives of all those closest to them…

‘Emo’ is a dangerous joke…
Depression is what it is and shouldn’t be tampered with…

Why Aren't You Mine?

When life’s intentions are misread,
The weight you carry feels so dead,
Carrying it is always a fight,
Victory never seems to be in sight…

Day after day, physical torture,
Night after night, mental confusion,
Twenty-four seven, emotional turmoil,
A fight of sorts all the time,
It all leads back to one question,
Why aren’t you mine?

Morning after morning, a struggle to bother,
Noon after noon, sudden stops and starts,
Evening after evening, a rush to the end,
A battle of sorts all the time,
It all leads back to one question,
Why aren’t you mine?

Hour after hour, intensity vanishes,
Minute after minute, urgency slips away,
Second after second, old feelings die,
Losing something all the time,
It all leads back to one question,
Why aren’t you mine?

As life lives on,
The dead weight inside gets heavier,
As the present moves away from the past
I want so desperately to hang onto…

It all disappears…
Like it never happened at all…

Two Painfully Contrasting Halves That Make a Painfully Coherent Whole

I dreamt of her last night,
Again,
It was a dream split in two halves,
Each completely contrasting,
Both equally heartbreaking,
The first half
She spent flirting with a friend
Whom she has never met
In front of friends she has never seen,
He and her run off together and disappear,
It hurts so much thinking of what they were doing…

The second half,
We’re sitting on a bus to my house,
She’s on my lap,
I have my hands around her waist,
She turns around to face me,
We kiss,
And we kiss,
Ecstasy washes over me,
I finally have what I thought I couldn’t again,
I never want to wake up,
Then…

I wake up…
And thinking of the two different halves of my dream…
Only brings a feeling of sadness and desperation…
Even though the second half relived something so special…

Thrown Away

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I see it in her stare,
She’s had enough,
I brought pain unfair,
Karma takes away my love,
Closed body language,
Eyes freezing,
Soul detesting
My complete being…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I feel it in my body,
No one else knows,
Happiness on the surface
Isn’t how it always goes,
Heart starts cracking,
Blue blood trickles,
It won’t turn red
Because of life being so fickle…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

The time we have is precious,
Who cares about fate?
I do, and this is why
I am in such a sorry state,
Holding while knowing
Is horrible to endure,
All I want is a joy
Caused by you in my future…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

What Does it Prove?

What does it prove?
My loneliness?
What does it prove?
My desperation?
What does it prove?
How weak I truly am?
What does it prove?
How vain and vile I truly am?
What does it prove?
My emptiness?
What does it prove?
My heartlessness?
What does it prove?
Others perceptions are misplaced?
What does it prove?
Smiles hide more sinister things?
What does it prove?

What does it prove?

Thoughts

All these random thoughts,
Thoughts of things said and done,
Thoughts of things happening now,
And thoughts of things that will never come to pass,
Swirl around my mind,
Confusing fact and fiction,
Distorting reality,
Destroying dreams…

Everything comes to a head,
Emotional battles past and present
Amalgamate to create a giant war,
One in which I’m accosted on all sides
By a helplessness so helpless
That the idea of the war becomes simply futile,
That the idea of all these wrongs being righted
Is like wishing that love will last forever and that death will cease to occur…

The search for a solution can’t even begin
Amidst the internal shouts and screams
Of the confusion and pain that reigns supreme,
All these random thoughts carry me through each day,
Dismissing sleep as a commodity not needed,
The blurriness of my sight
Simply mirrors the anti-clarity
Of everything happening in my own mind…

Thoughts just flash from one to the other,
Bearing no connection at all,
Yet all of them have a role to play in who I am,
Some are happy, some are angry,
Some are sad, some are heartbreaking,
Yet all are a part of the components of my soul,
These thoughts are all here to stay,
Even if their contents have never taken place or are long gone…

Shooting Star

Lying on my back, trying to sleep,
Faced with the stars above,
Unable to sleep, I gaze at them,
Despite the stormy weather
I can see them as clear as day,
Suddenly, I see a shooting star…

Now I have to make a wish…
Two possible wishes come to mind…

I could wish for everything
To go back to how it was before,
I could wish for us
To fall happily back into each others arms again,
I want us to be together again,
I want to feel your kiss again…

But I know this is selfish…
So the alternative wish is…

That I find the strength
To finally move away from the past,
That I find the courage
To finally let you go forever,
I want to be able to move on,
I want to be able to find another…

But I’m afraid of losing something far too important…
Both wishes are as flawed as each other…

Another wish comes to mind,
A new wish that’s better for us both,
I wish for you to find someone
Who can give you the time I couldn’t,
I wish for you to find someone who’ll make your heart sing,
I just wish for you to be happy…

If it ends up being me who does this, all the better…
If not, I’ll just be happy to see your smile as a friend…

This is the wish I made upon that shooting star…

The Train

Heading on a train journey that goes nowhere,
Searching for something more than location,
Looking to find out the most important thing,
Wanting to find out something about themselves…

Always looking in the wrong places,
Constantly looking into others’ eyes,
Hoping for something untold to sink in,
Seeking a divine jolt of realisation…

Millions of miles are clocked up
Before the train reaches its final stop,
Nothing is gained from one journey,
So they go again…

Back and forth on this train they go,
Looking in the least likely places every time,
Before they finally search in the obvious place,
They are trying to find out something about themselves…

So they finally look inside themselves…
And are shocked by what they find…

Souls cluttered with things not let go,
Hearts smashed to pieces by lost love,
Consciences racked with guilt over past sins,
And livers destroyed by grief consumed alcohol…

On the train they remain,
Attempting to reverse the effects of the past,
Hours are spent lying awake,
Wondering how to move on from things so fresh…

Letting go is always the hardest,
Losing someone through love or death,
Either can have a dramatic impact,
They can both destroy a person physically and mentally…

The train moves at such a pace
That things past and present are easily left behind,
But every time the train reaches its final stop,
Everything speeds right back to the present…

Until they get back on the train again…
Giving themselves more time to look inside…

The Blackout

Seconds before, you can feel the anger building inside you,
Layering, rising, pushing you to your limits,
Pushing you towards the brink of oblivion,
Making your face burn blood red,
Making your eyes shake viciously,
Screams reverberate inside your chest as you hold them back…

Then, the blackout…

It lasts moments,
Not even seconds,
It comes and goes in the blink of an eye,
Yet in that brief period of total blackness,
You can hear screams, shouts, and random snippets
Of the carnage your blackout is bringing to those around you…

Then, the reawakening…

Your first few moments are a complete daze,
You have no idea what just happened or where you are,
Then you look at your surroundings,
Slowly you piece everything broken together,
You see what made you angry in the first place,
You see the retribution you have brought to it…

Then, the guilt…
For failing to control the uncontrollable…

Tears of a Dying Ember

Head is filled by my worst fear,
I switch my bedroom light on,
It flickers and dies instantly,
A symbol of something dying in my chest,
A symbol of something dying in my life…

I don’t want it to be over,
I don’t want to walk away,
Yet her cold stare and icy silence
Tell me our flame has frozen over,
It melts and forms a tear…

It rolls down my face…

More and more follow it,
A constant stream runs down my cheeks,
Each one has a tinge of red at its core,
The dying embers of our once blazing fire,
I’m trying to cry the feelings away…

Every time I end up with someone
It ends because of outside complications,
Karma is coming to return the pain I delivered before,
I know it’s deserved and now I brace myself
By crying away something I still hold to be beautiful…

Attempting to numb the pain only doubles it…

Left Alone

When you’re left alone,
Sitting in the dark,
Thoughts and temptations swirling in your mind,
All the faults that are so well hidden
In front of your family and friends,
Become exposed,
Coaxing you into places you didn’t even know existed…

Your head begins to spin,
Everything you know is good and right
Becomes distorted in the blackness of night,
You can’t separate fact from fiction,
You can’t tell right from wrong,
All you know and all you fear,
Become tangled…

Leaving you in the lurch…
With no one to turn to…

You can’t distinguish between birth and death,
You don’t know if this twisted place
Is heaven or hell,
All your weaknesses are laid bare,
Making you feel like you don’t deserve anything you have,
Making you fear that it will be all snatched away,
Leaving you with nothing…

Being left alone to stew
Is a tonic that defeats its purpose,
You just descend and descend,
Paranoia takes over and crushes the last of your hope,
You give up on everything and succumb to your weaknesses and temptations,
You feel that everyone has abandoned you,
So you want to abandon everyone…

The truth is they haven’t abandoned you at all…
You’ve just isolated yourself from people and pain…

Kiss and Tell

Kiss and tell,
If only I could,
Kiss and tell,
If only we could,
Kiss and tell,
If only things were different,
Kiss and tell,
If only barriers weren’t real,
Kiss and tell,
If only it was just you and I,
Kiss and tell,
If only time stood still,
Kiss and tell,
If only the world was with us,
Kiss and tell,
If only everything helped, not hindered,
Kiss and tell,
If only…

If only…

Overruled

He sat alone in his room,
With no idea what to do,
He looked everywhere for a clue,
Wanting only to get to you,
He wished again to hold
What was once untold,
That thought is now bold,
Old feelings are now cold,
He tried to find
Peace of mind,
But time can’t rewind,
It is always blind,
What once was whole
Is now a broken soul,
Black as coal,
An unpayable toll,
His head spins day and night,
His breathing becomes shallow and tight,
He searches always for the revealing light,
He finds always only a lack of fight…

A look inside reveals a truth that doesn’t suffice…
His desire is overruled by cowardice…


(Overruled is the original poetic version of the song Sat Alone)

Sat Alone

Sat alone in his room,
With no idea what to do,
Looking everywhere for a clue…

Outside and in, he’s always looking for you…

Wishing to hold
What was once untold,
That's a thought that is now bold…

Old feelings are now oh so cold…

Trying to find
Peace of mind,
Time can’t rewind…

It remains forever blind…

What once was whole
Is now a broken soul,
Black as coal…

Losing all control…

Head spinning day and night,
Breathing becomes constricted and tight,
Searching always for the revealing light…

Finding only his own lack of fight…

He’s failed at love thrice,
His heart can’t suffice,
He blames it on the roll of life’s dice…

Overlooking his emotional cowardice…

(this is a song I wrote around this time and it's stereotypical in all its connotations - yet, I like how the song sounds; the lyrics were adapted from my poem Overruled).

I Was Born

So today I made a big mistake,
I based it all on chance,
Heads or tails,
A single flip,
And the little hope that flickered inside
Was finally snuffed out,
The smoke that rose after
Was the only indication it existed at all…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

To go or to stay,
The coin flew into the air,
Spinning, spinning,
Falling, falling,
Instead of speeding up,
Its descent slowed right down,
As my impending fate
Fell alongside it…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

It lands flat in my hand,
The coldness runs right through me,
My eyes remain tightly shut,
I fear the fate
The coin has brought me,
In the end I sneak a peak,
Tails stares mockingly back,
Hope dies under its cruel stare…

I was born to make mistakes,
I was born to throw it all away,
I was born to live by chance,
I was born to die everyday…

I Deserve This

I dreamt of her last night,
We were in a crowded room,
Her hair was newly washed,
Everyone admired its glean,
None more so than I,
Then I took in all of her features,
Her wonderful hazel green eyes,
Her silky smooth cheeks,
Her glorious smile
That could light up even the darkest of days,
In my dream I was happy,
Happy because I knew she was mine,
Happy because she wanted to be mine,
Then I woke up…

And the realisation hit me,
She isn’t mine anymore,
I let those wonderful features
Slip right through my fingers,
I can no longer cusp her face
In the palms of my hands,
I can no longer tell her
How much I admire her and care for her,
Now not even her smile could light up
The dark shroud I’m surrounded by,
Because she inadvertently made it descend,
The only thing that could be done to lift it
Is never going to happen,
And you know what the saddest thing of all is?

I know I deserve this…

Cracking Eyes

Time brings change so quickly,
What is guaranteed today may not be tomorrow,
Human emotion can go either way,
Feelings are born and die all the time,
Some die out of necessity,
Others die because they are murdered by an unavoidable act,
Murdered by something that had to be done
But that was done against all willingness,
When human emotion is murdered
It can be seen in the person’s eyes,
They begin to crack,
A jagged line appears,
Cutting right through the pupil,
Giving the image of a shattered window,
It mirrors the shattered soul inside…

Holding out only achieves so much,
Hoping and hoping will only carry one so far,
There comes a time when walking away is a must,
But how do you know when that time is?
When your eyes start cracking departure is long overdue,
The person should know themselves when to throw it in,
But often reason is blinded by confused love,
They think that if enough desire is shown,
Outside complications will disappear
And the one they pine for will return,
Even though those reasons for leaving can’t just disappear,
They are beyond emotion’s control,
The person is just left wandering along dark alleys towards a dead end,
And it is only upon discovering the dead end at the end of the alley
That they realise there’s only one place left to head for now…

A new beginning…
Some people’s eyes have cracked completely before they realise this…
Then the uninterrupted stream appears on their face…
Constant, never ceasing…
The one thing that could stop the flow never being a possibility…

(this poem epitomises what page fourteen is all about - heartbreak, and because of this all the poems on that page are poor, with Cracking Eyes the best of a bad bunch).

Act

It’s all an elaborate act,
The pitch,
The body language,
The tone of voice,
The smile,
It’s all just a way of getting people
Interested enough to talk to you…

It is acting on a permanent scale,
There is no respite,
No time for rest,
The smile remains forever intact,
Always coaxing the unsure
Out of the safety of their shells
And into a place of impulse…

Only the eyes can’t act,
Any hint of worry or doubt
That creeps into your mind
Will seep its way through those clear windows,
Exposing itself to those you are talking to,
Infecting them with the same doubts and fears,
Ruining any chance of building bonds and trust…

This is an act far more advanced…
Then any seen on a stage or screen…
The world becomes your eternal stage…
The poker face becomes your eternal mask…

(you can thank my door-to-door selling experience for this terrible poem - however, while it's not the best poem ever written, it gets across what it was like faking a part of your personality and mood whilst trying to sell things to people on their doorstep, and it's an experience I'm glad I got).

How?

My head isn’t in its right place,
My heart isn’t in one piece,
Weeks after and I still feel
The same about the one I can’t have,
I know she’s moving swiftly on,
Well, I don’t really know,
But in my mind she’s already courting another,
Much to my soul’s disarray…

Why would she stand still?
Time waits for no one,
Life stops for no one,
Why would she do the same?
I’m the opposite,
I would gladly stop everything
For the sake of something more important,
This is why I’m constantly falling behind…

I need to move forward,
I don’t want to,
I need to forget the past,
I can’t, even if I wanted to,
I need to repair what’s left of my heart,
I don’t know how,
I need to give myself a proper chance,
Thinking of this reminds me of the little chance we had…

Anything and everything reminds me of her…
How can I forget what I can’t escape?

Deja Vu

Trying to read her mind
Is like trying to find a needle
In a haystack,
I wish so much to find it
But I fear the severity of its prick,
I fear it will lead to heartbreak…

The feeling in my stomach has changed,
Where butterflies once flew
A sick feeling now rests,
It knows what is about to happen,
Now my heart and mind
Need to brace themselves for the harsh reality…

I’ve been here before,
I can see the signs,
The situation is completely different
Yet startling similar,
We should have had longer than we did,
Where have I said that before?

I feel an impending sense of deja vu…

Time is fickle,
It stops and goes back for no one,
I wish I could turn the clock back
And make more of the brief time we had,
I just wish I could hold you one more time
And for that time to last an eternity…

We’ve been through the rain and the sun,
The elements couldn’t stop us,
Other complications are what stand in our way now,
They are slowly but surely squeezing
The happiness and trust from our relationship,
If it could even be called a relationship…

All of this has happened before,
The compression of things irrelevant
Has forced a premature end to another bond before,
Suffocating is the way to describe it,
Slowly but surely all air is blocked from our lungs,
Forcing us to cut our losses and part ways…

I feel an impending sense of deja vu…

Constant Reminders

Out on the dance floor,
Up at the bar,
Out on the packed streets,
Everywhere I turn I see couples
Doing the things we never got the chance to do,
I’m constantly reminded of what I can’t have,
I see passionate kissing everywhere,
I see hands clasped together everywhere,
I see people losing each other in the other’s eyes everywhere,
I see all the ups,
I see all the downs,
And all the while I think to myself,
We never got the chance to be truly up or down,
We started in a blaze,
It was extinguished as suddenly as it started
By circumstances unavoidable,
Now there’s just this emptiness,
A void where you should be,
I need to stop staring into that empty space,
But I can’t bring myself to,
Nor can I bring myself to try and fill it with something else,
As the loss I’ve experienced is still too fresh in the memory…

Cease

How ironic it is
That in order to stand the sight
Of spilling blood
You must ignore the feelings
Of that which pumps the blood in the first place…

How awful it is
That in order to stand the sight
Of a friend falling forever
You must numb yourself completely
And pretend you never knew them at all…

How tragic it is
That the older generation’s pain
Dies with every veteran that succumbs to age,
Leaving us again with the youthful innocence and ignorance
That led to millions dying blindly before…

How inevitable it is
That the world is destined
To live out this repetitive cycle
Of peace, fighting, coldness
Until we eventually obliterate the places we call home…

How terrible it is
That when everything comes to a close
We will have to destroy
Those we hold dear to us
Just to keep our own lives….

History is a wheel that forever keeps spinning,
Life is the engine that keeps the wheel turning,
People are what allow life to make history,
People are the biggest threat to history’s existence,
Someday the threat will become reality…

Irony, awfulness, tragedy, inevitability and terribleness will cease to exist…
History will cease to exist…

Biting the Bullet

Now I have to bite the bullet,
It flies at me,
Faster than the speed of light,
Yet slow enough to see its intention,
Its aiming to destroy who I am,
I bite down,
Trying to prevent it from doing what I fear most,
Yet still it prevails,
The sheer speed and power of the bullet
Rips right through my mask,
Piercing my flesh,
My mask falls to the ground and shatters,
My true being is exposed,
Blood runs down the cracks and crevices of my real face,
Everyone I have ever known stands and stares,
Horrified at the monster they see before them,
Now they all know why she chose
To exit stage left while she had the chance…

The bullet was forever aimed at me…
Yet avoiding it was never an option…

Alone at Last

Alone at last,
Soaked to the skin,
Huddled in the corner of our shelter
Waiting for something special to begin,
Rain falls unceasingly,
Its lashing we do not realise,
As we spend all of our time
Gazing into one another’s eyes,
Every smile flips our stomachs,
Every gaze causes the shakes,
Every kiss we share is an out-of-body experience
That helps us forget past mistakes,
Circumstance attempts to be a wall,
Solid, unmoveable, unchangeable,
Yet still we smash holes in it
Even though it seems to be indestructibly stable,
Circumstance is forgotten
Every time I see your joy bringing face,
Hiding the joy brought to me
Is a task quite difficult in this place,
But when we forget circumstance,
We act as if we were meant to be,
Joking and holding,
Proclaiming our feelings for all to see,
What we have may not last long,
But if and when we come to an end,
We will look back and say it was brief but beautiful,
We'll still see each other as friends…

In the end, time will tell us…
What will be, will be…
Whether we’re together a month or a year…
Our lives will always intertwine and be free…

Be free...
Be free...
Be free...
Be free...

(to this day, I still don't think I did the moment that inspired this poem/song justice).

And it's Done

And it’s done…

The inevitable has finally happened,
Yet it’s still a bitter one to swallow,
Something that should’ve blossomed and flourished
Ended in seconds because of circumstance,
In the end it suffocated us,
Cut off our feelings for one another,
The wall built up and eventually separated us,
As we knew it ultimately would…

Yet that didn’t stop us from trying…

Our daily rendezvous’ will now cease,
Our sneaking around is over,
Getting lost in each others eyes is no more,
Kissing will never happen again,
We will never get to do the things
That normal couples get to do everyday,
I will always cast envious eyes
Over any two people I pass that are holding hands…

Karma always hurts you twice as hard…

I just wish I’d made more of the time we had,
I just wish we had more time to make something of,
At least we tried to fight the circumstances,
Regret will never hang over us for not trying,
It will just hang over us
As we think of what may have been,
Maybe the future will present a second chance,
I know though that life doesn’t offer many second chances…

It didn’t give us a fair first chance…

This is All I Have

Hit by a sudden slap of common sense,
Realising the pointlessness of living life under a cloud,
I could continue in the same vein
As I have been during recent times,
Waking up everyday,
Venting pent up aggression and loneliness
On people that don’t deserve it,
But what would be achieved by that?
What would I, or anyone else, gain from that?

This is life,
This is all I have,
My one chance to take everything bad that happens
And just turn it around and laugh at it,
My actions determine whether I smile or not,
And this is the only time that such a thing holds true,
Living in shadows and wishing for the end
Are things so useless that to hope for either or both
Is to be dead while still breathing…

And where is the point in that?
There isn’t one…
I realise that now…
But how long will that lesson remain learned?

The City Centra

The city centre,
Alcohol is like water,
Drugs are like medicine,
Mixed together they become
A recipe for destruction,
People stumble out of bars and clubs,
Vomiting everywhere,
Starting fights,
Bleeding while making blood spill,
It’s almost humorous when you have no connection…

But when you do have a connection…
You realise the stupidity of our country…

A friend to a lot of people
Was bottled for defending these friends,
He did not raise a finger in anger,
He did not even raise his voice,
But people go into the city centre
With the sole intention of making someone bleed,
Of making someone fall unconscious,
Once he and his friends were targeted
They didn’t have a chance,
In the end, he fell on his own…

But it has rocked those who are close to him…
Yet the penny won’t drop with the rest of the population…

Because all people want to do at the weekend
Is get ossified, get high or get low,
All they want is a release,
Yet far too many release themselves in the wrong way
And release someone else from their life in the process
Either temporarily or permanently,
These people take it upon themselves to spill others blood,
Being under the influence only has so much of an effect,
Mentally, they are ready to kill before touching a drop,
That means someone is already a dead person walking…

Being under the influence just gives them the physical courage to follow through…
This is a contradiction as following through is an act of cowardice…

This cowardice is rife throughout ‘our fair city’…
How does this make our city fair?

His bravery goes unnoticed by all except his nearest and dearest…
To those in the city centre, it’s just another fight…

To his nearest and dearest however…
Its potential ramifications mean so much more…

Stories

All these people we are around everyday,
They all have their own story,
Their own script to follow,
Until one day
It ends with a final full stop,
And they are no more…

We come across so many stories in our own lifetime,
Yet we miss out on so many more,
So much gets written down and recorded,
Yet so much more goes missing in time,
So many inspirational people
Are forgotten about completely…

Because they were not considered important enough to remember…
Who has the right to decide such a thing?

Stolen

We used to be like fingers crossed,
Inseparable,
Now, though, institutional machines
Have prised us apart,
Like a burglar prising his prize open with a crowbar…

Our friendship has been stolen…

We used to speak for hours at a time,
We used to help one another
Through our respective problems,
Now, though, we don’t even know
If either of us has problems that we need help getting through…

Our friendship has been stolen…

No one can be blamed for this outcome,
People always drift as they grow older,
But we always thought we’d be there for each other,
I just wish I could’ve kept that promise,
I haven’t been able to…

And now, our friendship has been stolen…

In years to come
This may strengthen us,
Right now, it just seems to have ended us,
We could walk by each other in the street,
And exchange nothing more than a simple greeting…

All because our friendship has been stolen…

Right or Wrong

I was just kept onside,
Before being thrown aside,
As soon as she rose through my list of friends,
She decided to bring our courting to an end,
As soon as she burrowed through my heart of glass,
She left again via a hidden overpass,
One that led her to my newly reformed soul,
That took an age to once again make whole,
Upon seeing it, she exposed its weakness
And exploited it with seemingly sincere sweetness,
The blackness oozes from it again,
My mind begins to crawl back into its den…

A tear of fire runs down my cheek,
She looked at me, unable to speak,
She realised how angry I was,
She should never have broken our unwritten clause,
In her, I place all my trust,
She betrayed it and turned it to dust,
Moving onwards and upwards is the name of the game,
But these set backs mean I’ll never be the same,
Being used is a horrible feeling,
It’s like speaking without your lips moving,
Taking away my control is blatant betrayal,
Now, our friendship is one that has long set sail…

My reading of you was completely wrong…
This realisation echoes in my chest like a gong…
The anger subsides, replaced by desperation…
Right or wrong, I remain forever in isolation…

Pursuit

Now that he's free of his weathered ball and chain,
He'll return to the pursuit of his shining brief flame,
Now that he's avoided inevitable destruction,
He'll continue his cross-boundary bridge construction,
His realisation was important for himself,
Yet, in turn, it could put me back on the shelf,
If he returns to his brief flame,
Where would that leave me in this love game?

In recent times, I've been overcome with desire
To feel the heat of his brief flame's fire,
I thought his commitments elsewhere
Would allow me to turn a dream into a dare,
Now that he's free from the one he loves to hate
It re-opens the cross-boundary bridge's gate,
Which allows him and his brief flame to revive
Something that looked like it would never survive...

Suddenly I've been dragged into an odd triangle,
One in which all our feelings become tangled,
Someone will walk out of it broken hearted,
And I think I'm the most likely to be the departed,
As they've shared something I haven't been able to share with her,
And it doesn't look like I'll be sharing it any time in the near future,
Which is why I should leave this triangle of heartbreak while in one piece,
Before the inevitable happens and my heart ceases to beat...

His pursuit of his brief flame will end with a kiss...
My pursuit of his brief flame was never going to end like his...

Poker Faces

All people judge wrongly,
All people think the surface
Is the be all and end all,
It’s always the people you least expect
Who decide to walk away in the end…

‘She was tough as nails; she wouldn’t commit suicide for no one’,
Whether they’re tough as nails,
Or soft as silk,
They all have the capacity to take themselves away,
As do you and I…

Thoughts like this can fill one’s mind
At any time during the day or night,
Succumbing is another thing altogether,
But what’s on the surface isn’t the truth,
We all have poker faces…

We all use them everyday…
Some use them to runaway…

No One Notices

*waves*
Goodbye everyone…
*no one notices*
It’s nice being the invisible man,
No pays you any attention,
You can get away with anything…

*waves*
Goodbye everyone…
*no one notices*
Well, it’s not great all the time,
There are times when it’s nice to be noticed,
Otherwise you feel alone…

*waves*
Goodbye everyone…
*no one notices*
Ok, maybe it’s not nice at all,
Having people care about you
Is something everyone should be able to experience…

*waves*
Goodbye everyone…
*no one notices*
*disappears, never to be seen again*
*years later, one person says*
“Hey, where did that lad go?”

*falls on deaf ears*
*no one cares*
*they walk by his carcass everyday*
*his eyes remain open*
*there’s a letter clasped in his hand*
*one day, someone finally notices him*

*they take the letter and read it*
*there’s only a solitary sentence*
Maybe now someone will care…
*the letter finder shuts the letter holder's eyes*
'I would've cared...'
*no one noticed what just happened*

*no notices what society as a whole fails to notice*
*what society thinks is important is what gets noticed*
*that's why our society is falling apart*

Life and Dreams Intertwined

A running dream,
Chasing things I want in real life,
Acceptance amongst my peers,
Emulation of their achievements,
Reaching for things that are right in front of me,
But are always a step too far for my limitations…

Things like the ability to play and sing,
To be able to give my words something
That will force home their meaning,
A trait like bravery,
To be able to stand up and take a chance with her,
In both real life and in my dreams, I wish to achieve these things…

And in both universes I fall short,
Always getting close but not close enough,
Reaching a certain stage where it all seems possible,
Before collapsing at the climax,
It’s the story of my life,
But dreams are meant to be different…

Unless they are not dreams…
And they just mirror what’s to come…

I run and run in my dreams,
Hand outstretched for my longings,
Grasping at something that’s flailing behind,
Thinking that this is it,
I have what I’ve always wanted,
But realising then I’m clutching at thin air again…

It’s a recurring dream with her,
She continuously runs away from me,
Yet when I stop for breath, she goads me,
'Come on, chase me, don’t you want me?'
And I run again, thinking I’ll catch her,
Even though the flash I see in her eyes tells me I never will…

The landscape of my life exists in my dreams,
The so near yet so far story is replicated in both worlds,
My constant stumbling and falling in my dreams
Means I can’t live up to my peers in either universe,
My outstretched hand never reaching her shoulder
Means I can’t make her mine in my dreams, as well as in reality…

These must not be dreams…
They must just mirror what’s to come…

Lying Down

Lying on my bed,
Wondering where the next blow is coming from,
Uncertainty of the future,
And uncertainty inside,
Combine and destroy my conscience
And my mind…

Sleep is not the place it once was,
It used to be a haven,
A place of safety,
Now it’s filled with the chaos of my life,
There is no order,
Insanity is rife…

Now I sleep with my eyes open,
Constantly turning things over in my head,
Right side up or upside down,
Either way, nothing makes sense,
The mere thought of everything gone wrong
Makes my muscles tense…

Rectifying my problems
Seems like something so simple,
Like walking around the corner,
But the world has risen up
And blocked all paths forward,
All ways are shut…

Now I’m faced with two choices…
Either I dig deep and find some resolve…
Or I go to the place with no noises…

Jamie

Jamie…
You’ve been hit harder
Than ever before,
You’ve fallen into unconsciousness…

Jamie…
We’ve been hit harder
Than ever before,
By your absence you are conspicuous…

Jamie…
Every moment you seem
To be slipping away,
Don’t disappear into the blackness…

Jamie…
The part of us is where
You once rested is vacant,
Come back and fill the emptiness…

Jamie…
You’re not meant to leave so soon
Or before any us do,
Please, wake up from the darkness…

I realise now the terrifying thing about age…
You notice more when life tries to turn a page…

Candle

If love was an eternal candle,
It would light our lives forever,
If the candle melted with time,
The liquid wax would harden
And immortalise love for eternity,
If the flame was to be suddenly extinguished,
It would symbolise the frozen hallway of a lonely heart,
If the candle was never lit,
It would convey an affair never kindled,
Love as a candle is warm and everlasting,
Love as a candle is cold and cruel,
Most people's candles are lit and last ‘til the end,
Others never get the match needed to start a flame,
Those peoples’ souls turn to ice,
Their lives are never completely fulfilled,
Their candlesticks fall away into evermore…

(I wrote this behind a small table just inside the entrance of a random Super Valu - I can’t remember where exactly - while attempting to sell Victoria Jackson make-up, and despite the distraction women and make-up can bring, I wrote Candle which, fittingly, stands out from the rest of the poems on Bebo page thirteen in terms of its imagery).

Insignificance

Have you ever felt so small
That the fear of being stepped on
Was one that was genuine?

Have you ever felt so insignificant
That every word that left your lips
Just faded away into a whisper?

Have you ever felt so out of touch
That the sight of your friends’ backs
Didn’t come as a surprise?

Have you ever felt so ignored
That you knew screaming every obscenity under the sun
Would make absolutely no difference?

Have you ever felt so isolated
That you felt like you were going to
Suffocate from loneliness?

Have you ever felt so cold
That even standing next to people in a horribly hot room
Did nothing to heat you up?

Have you ever felt so defeated
That you thought running away from everything
Was the easiest and best way to move on?

Have you ever felt so alone
That the reassuring words of those around you
Meant absolutely nothing?

Have you ever felt so inferior
That the looks of those superior
Seemed almost to be mocking?

Have you ever felt so cut off from proceedings
That you felt any word you attempt to contribute
Would fall on deaf ears?

Have you ever felt so betrayed
That it felt like a thousand knives
Had been plunged into your back a thousand times?

Have you ever felt so empty
That you instantly knew you didn’t matter to anyone
And that life would be a better place without you?

I have…
Such insignificance is a horrible feeling…