Regardless of Everything

Two weeks that were only a distraction
Fade away with the freeze of winter,
To be replaced by a thickening haze,
The return of the constant pang in my head
And of the ceaseless rhythm of my heart;
Sleep is impossible to come by now,
I’m ever alert for no apparent reason,
Running on power that should have
Diminished long ago but hasn’t
Due to the feelings still living inside;
On those brief occasions that my eyes
Do shut and take me away from the real world,
I find myself in a place that replicates my conscience,
I can’t escape the truth,
And I can’t shape the circumstance to fit my needs;
Now my unused energy and frustration with everything build up,
Reaching breaking point in the cell of my home
And the prison of this county;
My mind is split in two, between what I want
And what I know is for the best,
For my feelings are too overbearing
To live with day in, day out;
Subjection to a barrage of x’s and meaningless messages
Is not what’s best for either of us,
Yet the mere thought of such messages
Sends me into a world of bliss,
A world I will never know;
This is both here and there,
Everything is relative at the end of it all,
And when the time comes,
The time when we are forced to part ways,
Whether we are friends or lovers,
We will smile and recognise each others’ souls
As having found its counterpoint in the other,
Regardless of what’s gone before
And regardless of what’s still to come…

Look

Look at the lone red car flanked by eight taxi plates on Eden Quay,
Look at the people marching on Leinster House,
Look at the men cleaning up the mess of the city,
Look at the queue stretching from Cumberland Street to the queue on Gardiner Street,
Look at Beaumont’s E&A room crowded with people who can’t get a bed,
Look at the rising houses that will never be filled,
Look at the rusting closed shutters lining either side of Abbey Street,
Look at the murky green surface of the River Liffey,
Look at the increasing number of men carrying home the morning shopping,
Look at ‘For Sale’ sign after ‘For Sale’ sign,
Look at the one 2009 license plate on the roads,
Look at regeneration and reformation in all the wrong places,
Look at the overcrowded pubs in Temple Bar,
Look at the youthful innocence spread throughout the clubs,
Look at the news and learn about more job losses in Waterford,
Look at the picketers abuse the scabs,
Look at all the drunken fights and spilled blood,
Look at the screaming woman and the cornered taxi driver,
Look at all the front rooms filled with people at midnight,
Look at the raised fists and hear the calls for change,
Look all around you…

And you can clearly see a country on its knees…

So

So permanence takes its horrid form,
So realisation makes an inevitable appearance,
So jealousy rears its ugly head,
So feelings begin their reluctant clearance,
So timing wreaks of poverty,
So hearts show their frailty,
So eyes attempt to defy emotion,
So everything ends in destiny,
So this way or that makes no difference,
So here or there make no time,
So now and never are no longer options,
So time proves it's simply divine,
So a screeching halt is called to proceedings,
So a sudden stop is forced on life’s path,
So a sad surrender is made to will,
So an attempt to retrieve is made in the aftermath,
So salvaging produces red shards,
So pieces are put back together again,
So falling apart is the sign of a new beginning,
So questions are asked, like ‘where and when’?

(written in Milan)

I Hope This Never Ends

Walking on clouds,
Home of the rising sun,
Moments past and present flicker in memory,
What’s to come hovers alongside;
A blanket laid out beneath us,
Glowing orange and red
(Matching the beating inside)
As I imagine yells that never existed,
‘Please come back home’;
Swirling turrets of my new found peace
Wisp and break at the slightest of touches,
The creaking of the past trying to invade
Disturbs thoughts and dreams otherwise futile;
And I close my eyes in false pretence,
Wishing for a sleep that will never come,
And I see my desires carved inside my eyelids,
The reality so harsh, yet so far away;
Underneath the layers of snow white mass
Rests the surface tension of the sea,
Where the truth lurks, waiting to strike;
And the clouds begin to part,
Revealing my destiny to all witnesses,
So I keep my eyes closed,
Reliving again and again a fantasy which defies reality,
And even as I fall to fate,
I hope this never ends…

And even as I crash into the sea…
I hope this never ends…


(written in Milan)

Heart of the Sun

We head for the heart of the sun,
Knowing returning is as futile as continuing,
We head for the heart of the sun,
Knowing the snow below will be our home,
We head for the heart of the sun,
Knowing the intensity will split us forever,
We head for the heart of the sun,
Knowing the tears in our eyes will disappear,
We head for the heart of the sun,
Knowing it’s our last chance at making something…

We arrived at the heart of the sun…
And we said our goodbyes…

(written in Milan)

Believe/The Light

Melting snow beneath my feet,
Italian night sky overhead,
I stand alone, centre of a square,
A church stands ominously on my right,
Trees lean toward me, surrounding the square,
Four lights occupy each of the sides;
Of the four, three shine unwaveringly,
Breaking the darkness of the truth
Yet not removing its hurt,
But one burned out bulb fights to light,
Flickering from off to on and back again…

Believe in the unbelievable,
Light the burned out bulbs,
Remember those no longer here,
Watch for their signs and signals…

I am drawn towards the battling bulb,
The unnatural fighting characteristics it exhibits
Are closer in resemblance to supernatural behaviour,
The further away I stand,
The weaker the flickering becomes,
I stand in front of the bulb for minutes
That seem futile and wasted,
Yet the light gains strength all the time,
Getting stronger as my belief increases
That it is him who is fighting to tell me something,
That it is him telling me he is still here…

Believe in the unbelievable,
Light the burned out bulbs,
Remember those no longer here,
Watch for their signs and signals…


(written in Milan)

Six Years On

Given the chance again,
I’d do it all the same,
But either way,
I’m just outplayed,
Given the chance again,
You’d do it all the same,
But either way,
Your welcome is outstayed…

Or so you felt.

Only to roll back time,
Football nine till nine,
But your boots are hung up,
Dust gathers on mine,
Only to roll back time,
Celtic rain or shine,
But your jerseys are boxed up,
Your heart’s not mine…

My cards were dealt.

It used to take its toll,
Being guardian of the goal,
But not anymore,
Living with your soul,
It used to take its toll,
Being guardian of the goal,
But not anymore,
Living another role…

My knees are knelt.

Before your grave,
Bad memories I stave,
But regardless of the past,
They make me a slave,
Before your grave,
My hands you crave,
But regardless of the future,
I feel pride’s wave…

And so I wept.

Watch me rise and rise,
See the fight in my eyes,
Doubts subside this time,
As I bring tears from the skies,
Watch me rise and rise,
Hear the pride in your cries,
Doubts subside this time,
As I bring tears to your eyes…

And so we parted.
Six years on.

Warning

Bus stop haunting,
Sheltering rain,
Blank gaze,
Sudden pain,
“Me heart…”

Bulging eyes,
Keeling over,
Hands outstretched,
Veins pumping,
“Me heart…”

Heavy breathing,
Stumbling aimlessly,
Blood flowing
(angrily fast),
“Me heart…”

People staring,
No concern there,
Judgemental thoughts,
Unknowing,
“Me heart…”

Life flashing,
Dreams dying,
Pain doubling,
Fear growing,
“Me heart…”

Everything stops,
Everything’s dark,
Opens eyes,
Noises and traffic,
“Me heart…”

Lives.
For now.


(walking home from football training with Grange Woodbine one night and I passed a man having breathing difficulties and chest pains at the bus stop near the fire station on the Raheny Road - myself and others tried to help, he seemed okay in the end)

Fix

You said yes
And then said no;
We were one
When you said go.
I'd say where
And you'd say when;
Not anymore,
Never again.
I felt love
But you felt less;
Why that was
Is anyone's guess.
I said dance
And you said nay,
Yet we danced
The other day.
Things have changed,
They're not the same;
Now we're playing
A cruel game.
Our eyes met,
Tried a kiss,
But my feelings
You just dismiss.
What went wrong?
Talk to me –

How can I fix
What I can't see?