Makes No Sense

Silence, blown apart, deathly noises,
Violence, chaos, loud voices,
Defiance, disorder, bad choices,
Alliance, uniform destruction, rejoices…

Death, sudden, blood everywhere,
Breath, sharp, lost, no care,
Depth, too far, who dares?
Meth, crystal, temptingly unfair…

Screams, fear, spreading,
Dreams, wishing, dreading,
Seams, falling apart, heading,
Deems, the end, coming…

Makes no sense…
Makes no sense…
Makes no sense…
Makes no sense…

My Fiction is the Truth

You say to me you can't write fiction,
You seem to admire my diction,
You assume everything I write isn't true,
You think everything I've written is all on cue,
The truth is, nothing I write is fake,
Although, it sometimes is a matter of give or take,
What I write is all based on the truth,
Sometimes it can all be a bit uncouth,
But it would be how I'd truly feel,
The love and the hate is all real,
The highs and lows come straight from the heart,
The end of it all will come, it will all fall apart,
This is all true, this is all true,
I don't write fiction, just like you...

Love is Futile

A mistake in life can haunt you to the grave,
A mistake in life can drive you to the grave,
Succumbing to temptation can end it all,
Succumbing to temptation can make the pieces fall,
Lust is often confused with love,
Lust is not love, it's never enough,
Time apart is said to make the heart grow fonder,
Time apart just makes the hatred grow stronger,
Mistakes in love are never forgotten,
Mistakes in love brings revenge so rotten,
That something temporary becomes perennial,
That something temporary becomes perpetual...

Mistakes can bring a life so futile..
Mistakes can force people to a trial...
In the end, we all live in denial...
In the end, love itself is futile...

I'll Try Again

I hate sitting on this bus,
Constantly thinking about us,
I hate knowing we never had our chance,
Especially after our memorable dance,
Old feelings are buried now,
And still I wonder to myself how?
How did they suddenly disappear?
Did they get lost amongst my fear?
Who knows? I don't,
Live in the past? I won't,
I'll live in the now and search some more
For the feelings I bared when it was you I adored...

Five years ago is long enough...
But I'll try again to fall in love...

I Fight

I fight to keep friends from all the provinces...
I fight to prove I can achieve this...
I fight to make everyone proud...
I fight to let no one down...

That ship is something I cannot let sink,
It has sailed too close to my heart,
Losing its crew doesn't bare thinking about,
If I lose them, I jump ship too...

Belief is not something I've ever had,
Doubt, like a parasite, has always racked my mind,
I fight to eradicate it from my life,
To extinguish its impermeable flame...

Pride is something I hear a lot about
Even when I haven't earned it,
I fight to make them proud for a reason,
Especially the Big Man, with his watchful eye...

Letting people down is something I've always hated,
Friends, family and all those in between
Have all been affected by my failures,
Now I fight to make it up to them all...

I'm not fighting for a degree anymore,
I'm fighting for something else,
I'm not fighting for a career anymore,
I'm fighting for something more,
I'm not fighting for a livelihood anymore,
I'm fighting for a means to an end...

I'm fighting to hold it all together...

Four-Leafed Clover

Death is impending,
This is all ending,
The curtain is falling down,
I can see past smiles and frowns,
It is then I realise,
I don’t want these eyes
To shut just yet,
I want to see what fate I would’ve met…

But my life is now over…
All that’s left is a four-leafed clover…

Pain is coming,
Thoughts are drumming,
This is the final act,
I won’t achieve my own pacts,
I realise now I don’t want to go,
I start to scream no,
But everything starts to fade,
Eyes are shutting, no more light and shade…

My life is now over…
Last thing I see is a four-leafed clover…

The Long Walk Home

Every rustling leaf,
Every light, flickering,
Every noise is a threat,
My own footsteps frighten me,
Echoes all around,
Walking alone through the area
With the reputation,
I catch movements
Out of the corner of my eye,
But nothing is there,
I walk through the green
Where he was shot dead,
Such a sinister silence I have
Never experienced,
A wind blows,
Almost everything encourages me
To quicken my pace,
In the distance they stand,
Huddled and suspicious,
Too far away to hurt me,
But close enough to provide the threat,
Face forward again,
My heart skips a beat,
An old man, staggering, asks how I am,
Drunken and disorderly, he stumbles away,
My pace doubles,
Just like the beating in my chest,
A youth with a balaclava cycles by,
Giving me the eye,
But does nothing to follow it up,
Thirteen year olds loiter and doss,
No threat there,
But still I just want to be home,
Every screeching car offers fear,
Every wailing siren brings wonder,
Approaching the garden now,
One car screeches by,
Nothing doing,
I open the gate,
It slams shut behind me,
I lock the porch,
Close the door,
And am met with the sounds
Of Early Days and Centuries…

I am home.

(this poem interests me because it all happened as I wrote it, even the end when I opened my front door and my CD player had - I would find out the next day - turned itself on, almost as if to greet me coming in the door; Early Days and Centuries is a song by Guillotines, made up of Gary White, Gav White and Brian 'Bry' O'Reilly).

Eternal Cry

There he stood, at the end of it all,
Wondering what it was all for,
As swayed, about to fall,
He wondered could he have done more,
A shadow loomed, long and tall,
A skeletal hand grasped his shoulder,
Frozen he stood, wooden like a doll,
As the shadow whispered ‘no older’…

Shocked to the core, gripped by fear,
His breath began to wane,
His eyes grew dim, but managed a tear,
As his body was overcome by pain,
Regret soon struck, he was so near,
But love forever evaded him,
This was the thing, so severe,
That put him into his coffin…

In his mind, his life was empty,
All those he loved were gone,
This was untrue, as in reality,
One continued to live on,
She was the one he loved completely,
Unknown to him, her love was strong,
But now he’s left, unwillingly set free,
And their chance at love was gone…

His corpse lay still in front of her…
She could see the lone tear in his eye…
She bottled it and kept it forever…
And began her eternal cry…

Tatters

Jumping moments, broken scenes,
Flashing lights, drugged up teens;
Fleeing anarchy, always high,
Living the dream, living to die;
Life without risk, nothing to them,
Life without drugs, just pure boredom;
A last resort is any resort,
Accepted without remorse or retort;
To disappear their sole desire -
Eyes roll still, higher and higher;
How they escape isn't what matters,
Once they escape life's tatters.

Blind

You were so mild,
Innocent, like a child,
But then you lied,
And my heart just died,
The first time you smiled,
I went wonderfully wild,
But then you went and lied,
And my heart continuously cried...

You eyes always glowed so bright,
It seemed I had finally found my light,
But then you confirmed my worst fear,
And down my face rolled tear after tear,
You were the occupant of my heart,
You could hold me together or blow me apart,
You went for the latter, confirming my fear,
Eternal love had been so near...

Now I just want to leave it all behind...
To life and pain, I want to become blind...

A Bad Sensation

When it was done,
It happened too fast,
It all rushed by,
And quickly became the past,
Hearts were broken,
Too weak to last,
It hurt so much,
Pain with no contrast…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

So I’m alone again,
There was no gain,
It was love for love’s sake,
That quickly waned,
Leading to detestation,
And eternal pain,
It did not die,
It was slain…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

So now there’s nothing but silence,
Because you followed the cue,
You wanted to salvage something,
What else could you do?
There were knives on the table,
At least two,
You looked me in the eye,
And stuck me right through…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

Which led to mental infestation…
Followed by our ultimate destruction…

(more evidence of the Joy Division obsession that engulfed me around this period - if the end results had been in anyway as harrowing as Ian Curtis' I should've been either proud or worried).

Anger

All that's gone before is lost,
Engulfed by an ever-growing hatred inside,
Anger pulsates throughout my entire body,
Uncontrollable urges edge closer to becoming reality,
All my actions are unlike the usual,
They become more impulsive,
More aggressive,
More violent...

Nothing is like it was before,
The blackness inside is growing again,
The brief renaissance is over,
Smashed to pieces,
Destroyed by this inexplicable anger,
It has no reason to exist,
But it bubbles beneath my smile,
Waiting to lash out at anyone, anywhere, anytime...

With unbearable consequences...

A Cat's Meow

Walking home, in a confused daze,
Staring afar with the million mile gaze,
Life in the present has faded away,
Wondering about the future beyond today,
Suddenly brought back to the here and now,
By a wailing cat's piercing meow...

Standing outside my broken gate,
Thinking about the offerings of fate,
When the cat unleashed its screech,
It sucked from my soul like a leech,
It carried a sense of plea in its cry,
The wailing rose high into the sky...

Lost amidst all the other ignored pleas in the universe,
Ignorance to the helpless is humankind's one great curse,
I'm showing this curse right now,
By ignoring the cat's wailing meow,
It's clearly in serious distress,
And, to be honest, I couldn't care less...

My heartlessness means all I want is a pillow under my head,
My tiredness means I don't care if the cat's dead,
While it does seem like a sign of reality,
I don't want to find out its relation to me,
All I want to is sleep away everything around,
All I want is to ignore all the disturbing sounds...

The cat's screech is so easy to ignore...
Searching for a reason doesn't matter anymore...

(screaming)

Pulsating pressure,
Awful atrocity,
Lax in leisure,
Releasing reluctantly…

Terrible tension,
Horrific heartbreak,
Superficial suspension,
Malicious mistake…

Increasingly introverted,
Building barriers,
Constantly converted,
Coughing carriers…

Ever endless,
Never knowing,
Forever friendless,
Shame showing…

Tears streaming…
Screaming, screaming…

Where Do I Go From Here?

Everything is slipping away,
Holding onto nothing,
Life's turmoil is beating me,
Can't live up to the expectations,
Walking away isn't an option,
Can't walk away from those
I hold so close to me now,
Can't live with social restrictions,
Can't continue lying to myself,
Walking away seems smart,
But not when it blows friendships apart,
Talking results in shouting,
Cowering is mixed with crying,
Overwhelming and unnerving...

Where do I go from here?

Uncertain Days

Both their eyes seem so sincere,
But one set is lying to me,
Who it is remains unclear,
Into their souls I try to see...

Both insist they are right,
I don't want to get caught up in it all,
These lies are a terrible blight,
To pieces friendships will fall...

I don't want to believe either is lying,
But I know they both can't be right,
Inside, this is why I'm crying,
Why tears constantly haunt my nights...

I must decide who I think is telling the truth,
Their faces give nothing away,
I decided in the corner of a booth,
To just walk away from this fray...

To walk away from a lifetime of uncertain days...

The Flashing Lights

All I can see are flashing lights,
Everything is happening frame-by-frame,
It's all so surreal,
Like an out-of-body experience,
Of the horrid kind...

Nothing in that room makes sense,
Everything is slowed down and mixed up,
Thoughts and feelings are disorientated,
Everything your soul once wanted,
Is replaced by a new, unexpected desire...

Reality and clarity are completely lost,
Amidst the blinding flashing
And the confused thoughts
Of a mind usually sure of itself,
Only on occasion, do doubts creep in...

There's laughing and crying,
There's drinking and lying,
Clarity and confusion side-by-side,
Sense is no longer distinguishable,
And through it all...

The lights keep flashing...
Helping no one...
Confusing everyone...

The Lone Soldier

There he stood,
On the battlefield of suffering,
Bullets spraying everywhere,
Bombs exploding all around,
He surveyed the scene,
Panic induced violence,
Bloody carnage,
Mindless screaming,
Followed by the eternal silence...

The enemy's closing in,
Everyone's running everywhere,
Nothing makes sense now,
Until the moment of clarity,
When he picked up his rifle,
And, in the name of his country,
He charged at the enemy,
While his comrades looked on ...

From the safety of the bunkers...

Alone he died in no-man's land...
Together his comrades died in hiding...
And everything became clear again...

Their deaths were in vain...

The Control Seeking Blight

Succumbing again to temptation,
Mind shows horrid images,
Others perceptions are horribly wrong,
They have no idea what goes on
In the depths of my conscious,
Cracking, buckling,
Lying to everyone,
Lying to myself,
Can't stop the bad thing,
Can't resist the blight,
Their judgement couldn't be more wide,
Heart's in the right place,
The blight contests for that place,
The blight is victorious far too often...

Access is too easy,
Temptation is too strong,
Staying away is no longer conceivable,
Every little thing brings a chance,
An appalling lack of strength
Sees me snatch at it every time,
Inside, lives the blight,
Whose eyes seek the unseekable,
Mind seeks stimulation in any form,
Control is slipping fast,
Can't keep the blight at bay,
Inside, it coaxes,
Seeking total control,
Edging permanently closer to it...

Find myself succumbing again...
Permanence seems so much easier...

That Night

So, here we are,
In the back of my banged up car,
Who would’ve thought we’d come this far?
Through the roof, we could see the North Star…

The radio was playing Joy Division,
It had no bearing on my decision,
Our hearts are on course for a happy collision,
Love won’t tear us apart, it will bring unison…

Your smile is as wide as mine,
Your face and body look so fine,
Through the windows, the moon and stars shine,
Accentuating all the obvious signs…

We were parked at a lovers’ hideaway,
In the back of the car we laid,
Those three words I hear you say,
We kissed passionately until night became day…

That night, we became one,
That night, we had so much fun,
That night, past woes were shunned,
That night, we were as hot as the sun...

Sucked into my Own Fear

As time ticks on,
As life lives on,
As we all breathe on,
I change with every passing moment,
Bitterness swallows me whole,
Changing me from what I once was,
To what I am now,
Heartless, selfish...

I care for no one but myself,
I did care once,
But life has kicked me
Once too often,
I'm now becoming
What I've always detested,
An arrogant person, wallowing
In a pool of ignorance...

I feel it day after day,
Arrogance overtaking my heart,
Soon, everyone will hate me,
I've a head start on them all,
I already hate myself
For allowing it to come to this,
The worst thing is,
I can't see myself changing back...

I'm too deep in my own filthy arrogance...
To wade back to the past...

Social Anarchy

As every night comes to its end,
The abuse of alcohol begins to have its effect,
The streets are filled with people,
Shouting, grumbling and arguing,
Outbreaks of violence are inevitable…

People in late night take-aways,
Take the brunt of drunken abuse,
Getting shouted at for being ‘too slow’,
They have to put a smile on their face,
And act as if they weren’t verbally assaulted…

Some drunks are know-it-all idiots,
Others are just purely aggressive,
A clash of personalities is bound to happen,
And this always leads to a clash of fists,
While the rest of the mob look on, laugh and jeer…

Blood often gets spilled in these fights,
Some people even take such a bad beating,
That they die there and then,
And it is always the innocent who get hurt,
Never the drunken fool who deserves it…

People get lost, people get hurt, people get sick…
It’s all just another night of social anarchy…