The Long Walk Home

Every rustling leaf,
Every light, flickering,
Every noise is a threat,
My own footsteps frighten me,
Echoes all around,
Walking alone through the area
With the reputation,
I catch movements
Out of the corner of my eye,
But nothing is there,
I walk through the green
Where he was shot dead,
Such a sinister silence I have
Never experienced,
A wind blows,
Almost everything encourages me
To quicken my pace,
In the distance they stand,
Huddled and suspicious,
Too far away to hurt me,
But close enough to provide the threat,
Face forward again,
My heart skips a beat,
An old man, staggering, asks how I am,
Drunken and disorderly, he stumbles away,
My pace doubles,
Just like the beating in my chest,
A youth with a balaclava cycles by,
Giving me the eye,
But does nothing to follow it up,
Thirteen year olds loiter and doss,
No threat there,
But still I just want to be home,
Every screeching car offers fear,
Every wailing siren brings wonder,
Approaching the garden now,
One car screeches by,
Nothing doing,
I open the gate,
It slams shut behind me,
I lock the porch,
Close the door,
And am met with the sounds
Of Early Days and Centuries…

I am home.

(this poem interests me because it all happened as I wrote it, even the end when I opened my front door and my CD player had - I would find out the next day - turned itself on, almost as if to greet me coming in the door; Early Days and Centuries is a song by Guillotines, made up of Gary White, Gav White and Brian 'Bry' O'Reilly).

A Bad Sensation

When it was done,
It happened too fast,
It all rushed by,
And quickly became the past,
Hearts were broken,
Too weak to last,
It hurt so much,
Pain with no contrast…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

So I’m alone again,
There was no gain,
It was love for love’s sake,
That quickly waned,
Leading to detestation,
And eternal pain,
It did not die,
It was slain…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

So now there’s nothing but silence,
Because you followed the cue,
You wanted to salvage something,
What else could you do?
There were knives on the table,
At least two,
You looked me in the eye,
And stuck me right through…

There was no explanation,
There was no justification,
Just trepidation,
Followed by a bad sensation…

Which led to mental infestation…
Followed by our ultimate destruction…

(more evidence of the Joy Division obsession that engulfed me around this period - if the end results had been in anyway as harrowing as Ian Curtis' I should've been either proud or worried).

Where Do I Go From Here?

Everything is slipping away,
Holding onto nothing,
Life's turmoil is beating me,
Can't live up to the expectations,
Walking away isn't an option,
Can't walk away from those
I hold so close to me now,
Can't live with social restrictions,
Can't continue lying to myself,
Walking away seems smart,
But not when it blows friendships apart,
Talking results in shouting,
Cowering is mixed with crying,
Overwhelming and unnerving...

Where do I go from here?

Uncertain Days

Both their eyes seem so sincere,
But one set is lying to me,
Who it is remains unclear,
Into their souls I try to see...

Both insist they are right,
I don't want to get caught up in it all,
These lies are a terrible blight,
To pieces friendships will fall...

I don't want to believe either is lying,
But I know they both can't be right,
Inside, this is why I'm crying,
Why tears constantly haunt my nights...

I must decide who I think is telling the truth,
Their faces give nothing away,
I decided in the corner of a booth,
To just walk away from this fray...

To walk away from a lifetime of uncertain days...

The Flashing Lights

All I can see are flashing lights,
Everything is happening frame-by-frame,
It's all so surreal,
Like an out-of-body experience,
Of the horrid kind...

Nothing in that room makes sense,
Everything is slowed down and mixed up,
Thoughts and feelings are disorientated,
Everything your soul once wanted,
Is replaced by a new, unexpected desire...

Reality and clarity are completely lost,
Amidst the blinding flashing
And the confused thoughts
Of a mind usually sure of itself,
Only on occasion, do doubts creep in...

There's laughing and crying,
There's drinking and lying,
Clarity and confusion side-by-side,
Sense is no longer distinguishable,
And through it all...

The lights keep flashing...
Helping no one...
Confusing everyone...

The Lone Soldier

There he stood,
On the battlefield of suffering,
Bullets spraying everywhere,
Bombs exploding all around,
He surveyed the scene,
Panic induced violence,
Bloody carnage,
Mindless screaming,
Followed by the eternal silence...

The enemy's closing in,
Everyone's running everywhere,
Nothing makes sense now,
Until the moment of clarity,
When he picked up his rifle,
And, in the name of his country,
He charged at the enemy,
While his comrades looked on ...

From the safety of the bunkers...

Alone he died in no-man's land...
Together his comrades died in hiding...
And everything became clear again...

Their deaths were in vain...

The Control Seeking Blight

Succumbing again to temptation,
Mind shows horrid images,
Others perceptions are horribly wrong,
They have no idea what goes on
In the depths of my conscious,
Cracking, buckling,
Lying to everyone,
Lying to myself,
Can't stop the bad thing,
Can't resist the blight,
Their judgement couldn't be more wide,
Heart's in the right place,
The blight contests for that place,
The blight is victorious far too often...

Access is too easy,
Temptation is too strong,
Staying away is no longer conceivable,
Every little thing brings a chance,
An appalling lack of strength
Sees me snatch at it every time,
Inside, lives the blight,
Whose eyes seek the unseekable,
Mind seeks stimulation in any form,
Control is slipping fast,
Can't keep the blight at bay,
Inside, it coaxes,
Seeking total control,
Edging permanently closer to it...

Find myself succumbing again...
Permanence seems so much easier...

That Night

So, here we are,
In the back of my banged up car,
Who would’ve thought we’d come this far?
Through the roof, we could see the North Star…

The radio was playing Joy Division,
It had no bearing on my decision,
Our hearts are on course for a happy collision,
Love won’t tear us apart, it will bring unison…

Your smile is as wide as mine,
Your face and body look so fine,
Through the windows, the moon and stars shine,
Accentuating all the obvious signs…

We were parked at a lovers’ hideaway,
In the back of the car we laid,
Those three words I hear you say,
We kissed passionately until night became day…

That night, we became one,
That night, we had so much fun,
That night, past woes were shunned,
That night, we were as hot as the sun...

Sucked into my Own Fear

As time ticks on,
As life lives on,
As we all breathe on,
I change with every passing moment,
Bitterness swallows me whole,
Changing me from what I once was,
To what I am now,
Heartless, selfish...

I care for no one but myself,
I did care once,
But life has kicked me
Once too often,
I'm now becoming
What I've always detested,
An arrogant person, wallowing
In a pool of ignorance...

I feel it day after day,
Arrogance overtaking my heart,
Soon, everyone will hate me,
I've a head start on them all,
I already hate myself
For allowing it to come to this,
The worst thing is,
I can't see myself changing back...

I'm too deep in my own filthy arrogance...
To wade back to the past...

Social Anarchy

As every night comes to its end,
The abuse of alcohol begins to have its effect,
The streets are filled with people,
Shouting, grumbling and arguing,
Outbreaks of violence are inevitable…

People in late night take-aways,
Take the brunt of drunken abuse,
Getting shouted at for being ‘too slow’,
They have to put a smile on their face,
And act as if they weren’t verbally assaulted…

Some drunks are know-it-all idiots,
Others are just purely aggressive,
A clash of personalities is bound to happen,
And this always leads to a clash of fists,
While the rest of the mob look on, laugh and jeer…

Blood often gets spilled in these fights,
Some people even take such a bad beating,
That they die there and then,
And it is always the innocent who get hurt,
Never the drunken fool who deserves it…

People get lost, people get hurt, people get sick…
It’s all just another night of social anarchy…

Realising the Obvious

I've just realised something incredible,
Something that's been staring me in the face for a long time,
I have an amazing life,
I get to go into college everyday and see great people,
I have the most amazing friends outside of college too,
I have no reason to be sad,
Not when I get to partake in random adventures,
That others would kill to take part in,
I can't afford to waste this opportunity,
This wonderful gift I've received...

All my old thoughts are gone...
I'm going nowhere.

Knives and Lies

The knives are out now,
The lies are spread,
One lie contradicts another,
Who's doing the lying?
Roommates stab each other in the back,
Friends slag off friends,
If you could even call them that,
Stuff is said that's designed to hurt,
To damage other friendships,
Retaliations are designed to end other relationships,
What is the point of all this lying?
No one wins in the end,
A sense of irreparable pain just grips everyone,
Nothing can be taken back...

Show Feeling, Please Talk

There’s no weakness in showing feeling,
There’s no weakness in talking to someone,
Remaining withdrawn only builds it up,
Opening up is the only way to release it all…

Common misconception is the weakness,
Not the bearing of human emotion to another,
So please, lift the blindness when doubts start to creep,
Share your worries with someone you can trust…

Please talk to someone who wants to help…

Goodbye to Everyone

Well she said she’s gonna try,
She’s gonna try avoid the cry,
She’s gonna try and stop…

She’s gonna try get by,
Get by without that guy,
She’s gonna try forget…

I can see it in her eyes,
I can see all those lies,
I can see the broken pieces…

I can see it in her face,
Her mind’s all over the place,
She’s gone completely insane…

But still she’s gonna try,
She’s gonna try escape the cry,
She’s gonna try and smile…

But still I see the pain,
Her eyes are a dark lane,
She’s completely broken now…

And she sees only one escape,
Her mind’s tunnelled by hate,
She wants to runaway…

So she knots the hang man’s noose,
No part of it was loose,
And so she said goodbye…

Goodbye to a world of pain,
Goodbye to the insane,
Goodbye to everyone…

Goodbye to everyone…

(with this poem I was trying to think in the mindset of somebody close to me - needless to say the end result was disturbing but, thankfully, not the reality).

No Answers

It's all going to waste,
A lack of distinction and taste,
People continue to live in ignorance,
No compliance, only defiance,
A light goes off in my mind,
Hard to find they're so unkind,
Try to shine, seek the divine,
Looking for life's eternal shrine,
Hearing nothing but lie after lie,
I continuously cry and cry,
Who is it that gives the answers?
Certainly not these chancers'...

Feelings hard to describe,
Receiving gibe after gibe,
What was my crime?
When is my time?
All so sudden,
When did this happen?
Questions and answers,
Still nothing from the chancers',
Alone now, surrounded by silence,
No help to be found, no guidance,
When do I find a friend?
Maybe when I find the end...

Eternity lasts as long as you believe it to...

Looking for Guidance

Many people went to heaven,
After the tragedy that was 9/11,
To this day, families mourn their loss,
Looking for guidance from the cross...

The henchmen of evil took those planes,
And carried out the inhumane,
Buildings collapsed amidst fire and smoke,
The people below began to choke...

Smoke billowed like masses of cloud,
The city was veiled by a dark shroud,
Ash fell from the sky like snow,
As peoples tears began to flow...

Thousands were lost beneath shards and rubble,
Finding everyone was too much trouble,
Skin and bones covered the ground,
If they could scream, they would've made the most horrible sound...

Heroic tales were made that day,
By the bold actions of the brave,
But they will never mask the tragedy,
Of one of the world's most horrific stories...

Many people went to heaven,
After the tragedy that was 9/11,
To this day, families mourn their loss,
Looking for guidance from the cross...

But finding no solace...

Looking Beyond the Face

A night time journey home,
Up stairs, all alone,
The window faces me,
My reflection I can clearly see,
Looking at it, just my face,
Looking in it, a dark place,
It changes shape, no longer my own,
Changes to forms of evil well known,
Eyes are nothing but blackness,
Filled with shadows and sadness,
A gateway to my broken soul,
To pieces scattered that once were whole,
Constantly coughing and coughing,
So much outer and inner choking,
Where am I now?
So much hate filled doubt,
My face is my own once more,
Yet still filled with the evil that went before…

You Didn't Shake My Hand

Euphoric sounds wash over me,
The beat reverberates in my chest,
Everything is moving so fast,
But at the same time, so slow...
There you stand, the centre of it all,
So near, my flailing hand reaches,
Yet grasping only fresh air,
I wave furiously at you,
While chanting your name with reverence,
Yet you don't see my frantic waves,
You ignore them, favouring others...

This doesn't bring me down,
It doesn't ruin my night,
Because, even though we were separated by plastic,
I was close enough to you,
To drink down the music,
Suck in the experience,
And to cherish the moment,
A hand shake would've been the cherry,
But I still managed to pat you on the back,
Your smile finally acknowledging my existence,
But still no hand shake...

You didn't shake my hand...
But the sense of wonder and awe I felt...
Will live inside of me forever...

Ruining the Master Plan

They turn their backs on blatant betrayal,
While their friend lives in a world of denial,
He thinks he can lead a double life,
While his wife contemplates the knife,
He has no idea what he puts her through,
Even if he did, what would he do?
He tells his lover his wife was a mistake,
He claims once strong feelings were all fake,
He tells his wife his love is gone,
Then goes ahead and writes a song,
Telling the world how love has destroyed him,
Waiting for his new love to begin…

But then he sees no light at the end of the tunnel,
All his feelings are bottled through a funnel,
Until the bottle overflows,
And all the pent up emotion explodes,
Taking himself away from his loyal fans,
Ruining the back turners' grand master-plans...

Keep the Faith

People always hurt people,
But I wouldn’t dream of locking myself away,
Getting hurt is a part of life,
People always hurt each other,
But people always help people too,
For every bad thing to happen,
A good thing happens too,
Faith can’t be lost on the basis of one bad thing,
Belief must be kept,
Or else belief in life itself will be lost,
Leading to terrible thoughts,
Leading to horrible actions…