Two Painfully Contrasting Halves That Make a Painfully Coherent Whole

I dreamt of her last night,
Again,
It was a dream split in two halves,
Each completely contrasting,
Both equally heartbreaking,
The first half
She spent flirting with a friend
Whom she has never met
In front of friends she has never seen,
He and her run off together and disappear,
It hurts so much thinking of what they were doing…

The second half,
We’re sitting on a bus to my house,
She’s on my lap,
I have my hands around her waist,
She turns around to face me,
We kiss,
And we kiss,
Ecstasy washes over me,
I finally have what I thought I couldn’t again,
I never want to wake up,
Then…

I wake up…
And thinking of the two different halves of my dream…
Only brings a feeling of sadness and desperation…
Even though the second half relived something so special…

Thrown Away

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I see it in her stare,
She’s had enough,
I brought pain unfair,
Karma takes away my love,
Closed body language,
Eyes freezing,
Soul detesting
My complete being…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

I feel it in my body,
No one else knows,
Happiness on the surface
Isn’t how it always goes,
Heart starts cracking,
Blue blood trickles,
It won’t turn red
Because of life being so fickle…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

The time we have is precious,
Who cares about fate?
I do, and this is why
I am in such a sorry state,
Holding while knowing
Is horrible to endure,
All I want is a joy
Caused by you in my future…

I will be thrown away…
It’s been decided already…
I will be thrown away…

What Does it Prove?

What does it prove?
My loneliness?
What does it prove?
My desperation?
What does it prove?
How weak I truly am?
What does it prove?
How vain and vile I truly am?
What does it prove?
My emptiness?
What does it prove?
My heartlessness?
What does it prove?
Others perceptions are misplaced?
What does it prove?
Smiles hide more sinister things?
What does it prove?

What does it prove?

Thoughts

All these random thoughts,
Thoughts of things said and done,
Thoughts of things happening now,
And thoughts of things that will never come to pass,
Swirl around my mind,
Confusing fact and fiction,
Distorting reality,
Destroying dreams…

Everything comes to a head,
Emotional battles past and present
Amalgamate to create a giant war,
One in which I’m accosted on all sides
By a helplessness so helpless
That the idea of the war becomes simply futile,
That the idea of all these wrongs being righted
Is like wishing that love will last forever and that death will cease to occur…

The search for a solution can’t even begin
Amidst the internal shouts and screams
Of the confusion and pain that reigns supreme,
All these random thoughts carry me through each day,
Dismissing sleep as a commodity not needed,
The blurriness of my sight
Simply mirrors the anti-clarity
Of everything happening in my own mind…

Thoughts just flash from one to the other,
Bearing no connection at all,
Yet all of them have a role to play in who I am,
Some are happy, some are angry,
Some are sad, some are heartbreaking,
Yet all are a part of the components of my soul,
These thoughts are all here to stay,
Even if their contents have never taken place or are long gone…

Shooting Star

Lying on my back, trying to sleep,
Faced with the stars above,
Unable to sleep, I gaze at them,
Despite the stormy weather
I can see them as clear as day,
Suddenly, I see a shooting star…

Now I have to make a wish…
Two possible wishes come to mind…

I could wish for everything
To go back to how it was before,
I could wish for us
To fall happily back into each others arms again,
I want us to be together again,
I want to feel your kiss again…

But I know this is selfish…
So the alternative wish is…

That I find the strength
To finally move away from the past,
That I find the courage
To finally let you go forever,
I want to be able to move on,
I want to be able to find another…

But I’m afraid of losing something far too important…
Both wishes are as flawed as each other…

Another wish comes to mind,
A new wish that’s better for us both,
I wish for you to find someone
Who can give you the time I couldn’t,
I wish for you to find someone who’ll make your heart sing,
I just wish for you to be happy…

If it ends up being me who does this, all the better…
If not, I’ll just be happy to see your smile as a friend…

This is the wish I made upon that shooting star…