For One Year

For one year, we played with and against each other,
For one year, we shouted and berated each other,
For one year, we won and lost together,
For one year, we fought and died together;
Now, it’s over,
Now, we remember,
Now, we split,
Now, new pastures need finding;
And nobody cares because most never cared at the beginning.

Living in Denial

I didn’t want to do that,
Leave us unfinished and divided,
You thought it best for us,
Suiting your secrets, it coincided.
You left me with nothing,
Robbing me of what I was famed for,
Walking away, pride intact,
To you, I was just another chore.
So I wallowed alone for months on end,
Ruining potential by living in the past,
Any heartbreak suspected by friends,
I thought better to hide behind my mask.
And now you dictate your re-entry,
Deciding the terms on which you return,
Crawling inside my distracted mind,
With words, any dissent is burned.
You were all I wanted,
Time to see what we could be,
You couldn’t provide that,
Breaking our lock but keeping the key.
Now you come and go as you please,
Talking then not talking, like it’s a joke,
Not realising how it affects me,
Making what’s left of my decency choke.
I gave you it all,
Every ounce of love in my bloodstream,
It wasn’t good enough,
And each ounce decamped to my dreams.
This didn’t mean anything,
Not to you, it never could,
You will never know any of this,
Not of your residency in my blood.
I just wish you told the truth,
And just said you never fell for me,
Rather than the usual ‘it’s me’ excuse,
Saving me the trouble of digging so deep.
You’ve broken me forever,
Incapable of raising a genuine smile,
I’m no longer what I was,
Just a man living in denial.

Here

Things are standing stone cold still,
They have been for a long time,
Motionless against my will,
Hopelessly seeking a sign.

Others’ cycles circle on,
Growing and breaking before my fixed stare,
They wonder where it all went wrong,
A question I can no longer bear.

Now I sit in useless indecision,
Not knowing whether to step forward or back,
Wading toward either clouds my vision,
Remaining here cuts no slack.

The world is spinning and changing,
Passing me by in a breathless breeze,
Chances come, messages exchanging,
Every one I fail to seize.

Preferring life frozen in the present.
Cherishing moments from my own crescent.

Every Time I Close My Eyes

Every time I close my eyes,
Your face appears to me,
In real time we cannot have one another,
But in here, we can be.

When my eyes shut so tight,
We dance in fields and kiss in the rain,
When my eyes open again,
They avoid acknowledging the denied pain.

Daydreaming is a refuge now,
Living in a place where our hands clasp,
You have no clue of this desire of mine,
And no wish to have it in your grasp.

In my dreams I live in the West,
Where the sun sets last and where you live,
We would watch its setting every dusk without fail,
Nothing to you would I not give.

In my mind, you save me from the now,
Take me away from battles I cannot win,
When I return to reality I weaken again,
Committing sin after sin after soulless sin.

If I could, I would build a concrete path,
From my door to yours, as the bird flies,
Then we could be together whenever,
Even if the walk brings broken wills and anguished cries.

Now these are my feelings,
This is what I would like to do,
Take you away from the grime and the smoke,
To a place of peace, just me and you.

Alas, I live behind my shut eyelids,
A place where I have exactly what I need,
Your warmth and love all to myself,
Without any present complications to heed.

And every time I close my eyes,
I see moments when we were on our own,
And every time I open them again,
I realise sadly that I am all alone.

Air

I want to say the most beautiful things,
Images of irate tranquility to fill your eyes,
Words so telling, another need never be said,
And all the while I remain hidden in my guise…

So come away with me,
We can float on air,
Play the days away in childish glee,
And live without a single care…

One look and I see in you what I feel in me,
Reflections reflecting retractions, reverses,
I know the truth, yet do nothing to change it,
Verifying the vices in void filled verses…

So come away with me,
We can float on air,
Play the days away in childish glee,
And live without a single care…

A stroke, a touch, gentle is all I seek,
No bases, just a chance of something soft,
A hug, a kiss, embracing all I want,
Yet situation decides, so does it oft…

So come away with me,
We can float on air,
Play the days away in childish glee,
And live without a single care…

And now I see the sun rise in the West.
And I begrudge myself this fortune blessed.

(I quite like the images of this poem, though it is a little short and repetitive - around this time, which is only half way into 2009, or so, a fascination with the West enters into a lot of my writing).