Life and Dreams Intertwined

A running dream,
Chasing things I want in real life,
Acceptance amongst my peers,
Emulation of their achievements,
Reaching for things that are right in front of me,
But are always a step too far for my limitations…

Things like the ability to play and sing,
To be able to give my words something
That will force home their meaning,
A trait like bravery,
To be able to stand up and take a chance with her,
In both real life and in my dreams, I wish to achieve these things…

And in both universes I fall short,
Always getting close but not close enough,
Reaching a certain stage where it all seems possible,
Before collapsing at the climax,
It’s the story of my life,
But dreams are meant to be different…

Unless they are not dreams…
And they just mirror what’s to come…

I run and run in my dreams,
Hand outstretched for my longings,
Grasping at something that’s flailing behind,
Thinking that this is it,
I have what I’ve always wanted,
But realising then I’m clutching at thin air again…

It’s a recurring dream with her,
She continuously runs away from me,
Yet when I stop for breath, she goads me,
'Come on, chase me, don’t you want me?'
And I run again, thinking I’ll catch her,
Even though the flash I see in her eyes tells me I never will…

The landscape of my life exists in my dreams,
The so near yet so far story is replicated in both worlds,
My constant stumbling and falling in my dreams
Means I can’t live up to my peers in either universe,
My outstretched hand never reaching her shoulder
Means I can’t make her mine in my dreams, as well as in reality…

These must not be dreams…
They must just mirror what’s to come…

Lying Down

Lying on my bed,
Wondering where the next blow is coming from,
Uncertainty of the future,
And uncertainty inside,
Combine and destroy my conscience
And my mind…

Sleep is not the place it once was,
It used to be a haven,
A place of safety,
Now it’s filled with the chaos of my life,
There is no order,
Insanity is rife…

Now I sleep with my eyes open,
Constantly turning things over in my head,
Right side up or upside down,
Either way, nothing makes sense,
The mere thought of everything gone wrong
Makes my muscles tense…

Rectifying my problems
Seems like something so simple,
Like walking around the corner,
But the world has risen up
And blocked all paths forward,
All ways are shut…

Now I’m faced with two choices…
Either I dig deep and find some resolve…
Or I go to the place with no noises…

Jamie

Jamie…
You’ve been hit harder
Than ever before,
You’ve fallen into unconsciousness…

Jamie…
We’ve been hit harder
Than ever before,
By your absence you are conspicuous…

Jamie…
Every moment you seem
To be slipping away,
Don’t disappear into the blackness…

Jamie…
The part of us is where
You once rested is vacant,
Come back and fill the emptiness…

Jamie…
You’re not meant to leave so soon
Or before any us do,
Please, wake up from the darkness…

I realise now the terrifying thing about age…
You notice more when life tries to turn a page…

Candle

If love was an eternal candle,
It would light our lives forever,
If the candle melted with time,
The liquid wax would harden
And immortalise love for eternity,
If the flame was to be suddenly extinguished,
It would symbolise the frozen hallway of a lonely heart,
If the candle was never lit,
It would convey an affair never kindled,
Love as a candle is warm and everlasting,
Love as a candle is cold and cruel,
Most people's candles are lit and last ‘til the end,
Others never get the match needed to start a flame,
Those peoples’ souls turn to ice,
Their lives are never completely fulfilled,
Their candlesticks fall away into evermore…

(I wrote this behind a small table just inside the entrance of a random Super Valu - I can’t remember where exactly - while attempting to sell Victoria Jackson make-up, and despite the distraction women and make-up can bring, I wrote Candle which, fittingly, stands out from the rest of the poems on Bebo page thirteen in terms of its imagery).

Insignificance

Have you ever felt so small
That the fear of being stepped on
Was one that was genuine?

Have you ever felt so insignificant
That every word that left your lips
Just faded away into a whisper?

Have you ever felt so out of touch
That the sight of your friends’ backs
Didn’t come as a surprise?

Have you ever felt so ignored
That you knew screaming every obscenity under the sun
Would make absolutely no difference?

Have you ever felt so isolated
That you felt like you were going to
Suffocate from loneliness?

Have you ever felt so cold
That even standing next to people in a horribly hot room
Did nothing to heat you up?

Have you ever felt so defeated
That you thought running away from everything
Was the easiest and best way to move on?

Have you ever felt so alone
That the reassuring words of those around you
Meant absolutely nothing?

Have you ever felt so inferior
That the looks of those superior
Seemed almost to be mocking?

Have you ever felt so cut off from proceedings
That you felt any word you attempt to contribute
Would fall on deaf ears?

Have you ever felt so betrayed
That it felt like a thousand knives
Had been plunged into your back a thousand times?

Have you ever felt so empty
That you instantly knew you didn’t matter to anyone
And that life would be a better place without you?

I have…
Such insignificance is a horrible feeling…